U.S. isn’t a part of the pairs scene

In honor of the Valentine’s Day Olympic debut of the two U.S. pairs figure skating teams Sunday, we offer them our best candy hearts wishes.

Love you. Be mine. You rock.

Oops. Wrong hearts.

Look out! Get up! Oh no!

Traditionally, American pairs teams do Valentine’s Day like Cupid does clothes. A country filled with some of the greatest individual male and female ice athletes in the world just cannot figure out a way to put the two together long enough to stay thawed.

It’s dysfunction on the rocks, a chilly problem that has resulted in one of the longest losing streaks in sports.

Since skating debuted in the 1908 Summer Olympics, American women have won seven gold medals, American men have won six golds, and the two of them skating together have won squat. We’re 0 for 102 years, going winless in 22 pairs competitions and nine ice dancing events.

Although America could finally win a gold medal in ice dancing this year -- we’ve always liked to boogie -- the more technical pairs event is not about Valentine’s Day, but Groundhog Day.

Again and again, the Eastern European countries have been Astaire and Rogers while we’re Abbott and Costello.

Which brings us to Sunday at the Pacific Coliseum, where two new American teams slid into the sordid history, one surviving, the other not so much, but neither comparing to the world’s best, our ketchup and mayonnaise to their peanut butter and jelly.

Our top pair was Amanda Evora and Mark Ladwig, a couple who have skated together for eight years, surpassing all expectations Sunday not only in tenure, but posture. You see, they didn’t fall. They didn’t fly, but they didn’t fall, and wound up with a 57.86 score that made them smile, even if it was good for only 10th place.

“I feel like we were destined out there,” said Evora.

That’s how is works in American pairs. Tenth place, and you are destined.

It wasn’t so pretty for the other group, Caydee Denney and Jeremy Barrett. They’ve been together for less than two years -- about two seconds in the pairs skating world -- and it showed.

She doubled a planned triple-toe loop and the program never caught a second wind, Barrett looking pained with each lift, Denney looking timid with each leap, the program scoring 53.26 and finishing in 14th place.

“This Olympics isn’t really about placement for us,” said Barrett. “It’s about showing the U.S. has a great future in pairs, and I think we did that.”

A dude appears at the Olympics and admits it really isn’t about winning? That’s what being involved in pairs does to American athletes. The bar has been set so low, they could use it as a skate blade.

Not so with the Russians, who have won a piece of every Olympic pairs gold medal since 1964, a 46-year winning streak that could be the longest in sports. It appears they finally will lose that streak this year to another great example of pair excellence, a Chinese couple who have literally grown old together.

Leading the competition after the short program are Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo. Watching them skate Sunday was like watching one person in two bodies, from the perfect throws to the exact landings to a finale that ended with Shen’s head lying gently on Zhao’s chest.

That’s what 18 years looks like. When they started skating together, Shen was 14 and her Zhao was 19. They have been together longer than Denney has been alive.

“Wow,” said the American skater.

The Chinese skaters have spent so much time together, they finally got married a couple of years ago, which seems to be why Americans can’t figure this out.

Other countries’ pairs can make a commitment.

American pairs often can’t. At least not to each other.

Take this year’s Olympians. They are a skating reality show. Evora, who is paired with Ladwig, is a longtime girlfriend of Barrett, who is paired with Denney.

Don’t ask.

“Damned freedom,” said Jim Peterson, who coaches both American teams, with a laugh, but it’s true.

“When other countries put skaters together, they stay together,” said Peterson. “Here, it’s just harder, there’s bickering, there’s so much else going on.”

The last U.S. pairs team to earn as much as a silver medal? Peter and Kitty Carruthers in 1984. The secret to their success? They were siblings.

Kristi Yamaguchi, the 1992 Olympic gold medalist, also noted the lack of talent pool for men. You know how hard it is for American dance studios to find little boys to pair up with their dozens of girls? Expose those boys to several years of organized team sports, and skating’s task is even more difficult.

“You got to a pairs skating tryout, and there are 10 women and one man,” said Yamaguchi.

It wouldn’t matter who was there. When it comes to American skating, any number divided by two equals zero.

bill.plaschke@latimes.com