Etiquette weekend at Meadowood, anyone?

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Here’s an idea for those who are seriously — and I mean seriously — insecure about food and wine etiquette. Spend $3,800 per couple for a weekend getaway at the Meadowood Napa Valley resort boning up on the rules of etiquette as they apply to eating and drinking. The resort can’t guarantee a figure like the kindly hotel manager Hector Elizondo played in the 1990 film “Pretty Woman” to tell you which fork to use when, but it will provide master sommelier Gilles de Chambure and etiquette instructor (and finishing school founder) Deborah King to teach you “the neglected arts of social grace and cultural awareness as they relate to wine, food and international travel.”

The program begins Friday night with a Champagne tasting and lesson in cocktail-hour etiquette before dinner. Saturday includes a wine tutorial, lunch at Viader winery with owner Delia Viader and a formal dinner at Meadowood and an examination of “international variations of accepted table manners.” Those who find this all a big snore may perk up when the subject turns to how to handle the check around the world (very handy indeed). The weekend concludes with Sunday brunch and the chance to speak one on one with the two instructors about your international travel plans.

I am not making this up.

The next Meadowood Napa Valley International Dining & Wine Etiquette weekend is scheduled for March 20 to 22. Cost: $2,450 per participant, or $3,800 per couple including lodging at Meadowood. For reservations, call (800) 458-8080 or visit www.meadowood.com.

— S. Irene Virbila