Transgressions R Us, Part 2: Tiger Woods drama die-hards only, please

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Hey, we’re back! And you’re back! Cool!

We had some fun last time, yes?

~~ Hmm. *You* are back too, oh respecter of Tiger Woods’ privacy. Didn’t we go over this once before? ~~

It’s game day, and the Ministry is Coliseum-bound, but we wanted to make sure folks started the weekend up to date on the condition of the S.S. Tiger Woods, which, you may recall, sustained some damage below the waterline this week.

Rules remain the same -- if you’re above all this, what the heck are you doing here? Gold star for you; now scram. Wanna know what’s been going on in Tiger Town? C’mon out behind the gym for a few minutes and we’ll hook you up.

~~ Privacy fans? This is where you click out. For real. ~~

Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. Even if the one is, you know, Tiger Woods.

Let’s meet a few of those needs, shall we?

First: What’s this going to cost him?

The talk is that his endorsements are unlikely to suffer, but that the prenup (now a mid-nup?) is being kicked up a notch. A big notch.

The 2004 original called for a $20-million payout to Elin Nordegren in case of a split, vesting at the 10-year mark, whereas the new version reportedly includes a staggered schedule of increasing payments to Elin, with a shorter vesting time frame, if she can tough it out. That on top of a $5-million payout for toughing it out in the short term.

Says the Daily Beast:

‘So for Elin to collect $80 million, she’ll need to stay with Tiger another seven years, be a dutiful wife in showing up with him at social events and in public as if they were still the perfect couple, and sign a nondisclosure form that will prevent her from ever telling her story.’

Apparently she’s seen as an ‘asset’ relative to Tiger Inc.’s recovery. Who knew? Probably the same folks who already knew she has a twin sister, like maybe her mom, or Tiger’s mom -- both of whom were in the house when the argument went down. Cozy.

People pondered, how could this have happened? Some blamed it on the babies. Someone always blames the women, of course. Others blamed his house. And then there were those who blamed the game. (Seriously, when they talk about ‘caddies,’ we didn’t realize it was more about ‘caddies.’)

And can the Ministry get a witness, please? Did the man not understand that text messaging is forever?

The official police report revealed that Tiger’s trip to the fire hydrant had a little whiff of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride around it. Hedges, medians, curbs -- oh my. Plus, ouch, the car was a loaner.

Comics -- especially the amateurs, and the Chinese -- had a field day.

[Update: 10:26 a.m., Dec. 6, 2009: And of course ‘Saturday Night Live’ couldn’t resist.]

Golfer Jesper Parnevik, who had introduced then-nanny Elin to her future husband, said on TV that he had lost all respect for Tiger, and that he hopes ‘she uses a driver next time instead of a three-iron.’

Radaronline and TMZ.com got into a yes-she-did/no-she-didn’t spat over whether Rachel Uchitel had taken a payoff to cancel a Gloria Allred-orchestrated news conference. Wise guys pointed out that the big news was someone had actually gotten Allred to shut up -- well, at least someone other than Charles Barkley.

[Update: 12:40 a.m., Dec. 6, 2009: Even Gossip Cop can’t discern the real Rachel dish quite yet.]

Rachel, by the way, doesn’t seem to realize that in L.A., it’s best not to feed the paparazzi. It just makes them come back.

We were told that Tiger can talk dirty, and that he had an X-rated dream about Rachel Uchitel, Derek Jeter and David Boreanaz. And that there are naked or semi-naked pictures of Jaimee Grubbs. And that Tiger is rumored to have told Kalika Moquin, the girl behind door No. 3, that he’d leave his wife for her ‘in a flash.’

The Ministry also was introduced to the practice of ‘crazy Ambien sex.’ Not literally, silly. That’s for other people who are way hotter than we are.

Finally, at least one disappointed fan -- John Ziegler, who among other things is the founder of the now-defunct First Church of Tiger Woods -- eloquently expressed his feelings of betrayal over Tiger’s headlong fall from grace. Too many good quotes there for the Ministry to pilfer -- just watch the video. A tip: We particularly like the part in which he points out the stupidity of a rich and powerful man cheating with, of all the women in the world, a 24-year-old cocktail waitress.

They never get it, do they?

-- Christie D’Zurilla

Photos, from top: Hasten deep and all that -- Tiger Woods faces a gathering gloom off the 15th tee at the Australian Masters on Nov. 14. Elin Nordegren walks the course during the final round of the Players Championship at Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., on May 13, 2007 (yeah, it’s old, but how can you not love how she works that hat?). The Nov. 27, 2009, ‘after’ shot of Tiger’s boo-boo Escalade. And Jaimee Grubbs in the VH1 reality series ‘Tool Academy.’ Credits, from top: Quinn Rooney / Getty Images; Chris O’Meara / Associated Press; Florida Highway Patrol; VH1.

The Ministry of Gossip recommends you visit these really adorable animals that have nothing to do with tigers of any sort.

Unless you want to read this commentary by Big Picture columnist Patrick Goldstein:

Tiger Woods: The end of the tabloid media virgin? Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Facebook and Twitter (we’re @LATcelebs).