PREACH IT! Is your family prepared in case of a Naomi Campbell attack?


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In light of the most recent alleged attack on a civilian by Naomi Campbell, we here at the Ministry of Gossip have prepared the following guidelines on protecting yourself and your family in the event of an onslaught.

As any decent follower of gossip knows, the zombie apocalypse is nothing compared with the raging, curiously sharp knuckles of a supermodel with an anger management problem. In this latest case, Campbell was riding in a car in New York when she allegedly struck her driver, causing his head to slam into his steering wheel. Campbell then vanished on foot; no criminal charges will be filed.


At this hour, all parties are said to look fabulous.

Given the number of documented daytime assaults waged by Campbell (at least three, including one blitz against a pair of police officers), one must be prepared for staging a defense at any hour. Unlike vampires, Campbell has not been known to weaken in the presence of the sun; she’s similarly immune to silver -- as she has modeled plenty of that during her more than two-decade-long career -- crosses, holy water and, presumably, garlic.

One must also keep in mind that Campbell does not limit her attacks to manual salvos. She also is skilled with projectiles, having once thrown a mobile phone at a housekeeper in a scrum over a pair of jeans. Campbell spent five days mopping floors and cleaning toilets as part of a 2007 community service sentence in connection with that incident. Still, better safe than sorry. If you or a family member should encounter Campbell in person, it’s best to duck preemptively, and maybe say something nice about Azzedine Alaia.

Lastly, it should be noted ...

... that Campbell is adept at traversing long distances in heels as high as 10 inches; just because she once stumbled in a pair of amazing 10-inch Westwood platforms doesn’t mean she can’t overcome a fleeing victim in eight seconds or less.
If you lack the means to defend yourself, and you must flee, it’s best to do it on wheels. Just make sure, before you take off, that Campbell hasn’t slipped into the back seat.

-- Leslie Gornstein

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