PREACH IT! There are no words to describe the Lohan mess. Or are there?


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Over the last several days, the Lohan family mess has grown more matted and unnavigable than Lindsay’s ever-changing hair. The drama has spread beyond the usual Lindsay-partying stories to suck in her press-hungry dad, her fameball mom, sister Ali, various friends and exes and, probably, all of the light within an eight-mile radius.

It’s tough to tell what the frack is going on from minute to minute -- though thanks to an increasing number of gossip blogs that need to fill space, we certainly are getting way more data on these people than we would have seen just a couple of years ago. (Hey, thanks, Radar!) (No, seriously, thank you, Radar. We’re one of those gossip blogs too.)


Let’s see if we can’t rearrange this hot mess into something digestible.

We’ll go player by player.

Lindsay Lohan: Recovering from Coachella, where she accused ex-girlfriend Sam Ronson of trying to spit on her. Licking her wounds after getting banned from a club called Trousdale, even though, seriously, nobody should be hanging out at a club called Trousdale. Now spending time at places like Millions of Milkshakes, where she drags along her sister, Ali, creates new milkshake recipes and poses for photos with employees.

Michael Lohan: Says somebody hacked into his Twitter account and posted lies about Lindsay having HIV and dating Tommy Mottola. Says he wants to pursue criminal charges against the hacker. Is demanding that ex-wife Dina and daughter Ali sit down with him in a private meeting or he’ll release a whole bunch of Dina’s private recordings -- because, you know, he loves his kids. Says he has a real serious lawyer.

Dina Lohan: Insists that Michael is crazy town and just wants Lindsay’s money. Also maintains that Michael’s new engagement to Kate Major is all kinds of gross.

Sam Ronson: Doing A-OK after reportedly dodging a drink thrown at her by Lindsay. Still slinging some mad skills on the ones and twos. Sorta kinda denies the spitting incident, but not really.

Which leads us to a poll: We’re creating a new category for La Familia Lohan coverage. What should it be?

-- Leslie Gornstein

Photos, clockwise from top left: Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, Dina Lohan, Samantha Ronson. Credits, clockwise from top left: Chris Pizzello / Associated Press, Ed Betz / Associated Press, Bryan Bedder / Getty Images, Ian Gavan / Getty Images.

Related dispatches from the Ministry of Gossip (yes, the list is long, but we couldn’t resist):

Lindsay Lohan is let go from film; Perez Hilton lets it fly on Twitter

Roman Polanski has to show up -- Jake Harris and Lindsay Lohan too

Michael Lohan, deputies check on daughter Ali at Lindsay’s apartment

Lindsay Lohan, debt and that what-to-do from Dr. Drew

Lindsay Lohan: Gal pals, quick change at Nylon’s 11th birthday

PREACH IT! Michael Lohan, Kate Major get engaged; MOG consults Book of Revelation

Lindsay Lohan, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry play at Perez Hilton’s birthday party

Lindsay Lohan vents to mom Dina over E-Trade lawsuit, announces she’s out at Ungaro

PREACH IT! Lindsay Lohan says she’s off drugs and booze. More or less believable than ‘I Know Who Killed Me’? [poll]

PREACH IT! Lindsay Lohan, you are no Paris Hilton

Lindsay Lohan says BFF Patrick Aufdenkamp betrayed her

A peek into the Category 5 hurricane that is Lindsay Lohan’s life

Lindsay Lohan jets off to Morocco -- what could possibly go wrong?

PREACH IT! Why pay for cable when you can watch celebrity Twitter wars for free?

The Ministry doesn’t have a ‘train wrecks’ category and is saddened by that fact. You’ll just have to follow us on Twitter (we’re @LATcelebs) and hang with us on Facebook until new trains arrive at the station -- or derail nearby.