PREACH IT! What will it take for you to feel sorry for Heidi Montag?

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Poor, poor Heidi Montag. First she announces she’s getting an un-divorce. Then her plastic surgeon dies. And now, in her own words, she feels ‘trapped’ in her ‘own body.’ Her jailers are, apparently, the G-cup breasts she chose during her recent round of 10 plastic surgeries. Now she wants freedom, forthwith, from the twin torturers who keep her trapped in the purgatory of custom-made clothing, and who allow her to hug her dogs only with great awkwardness.

‘I’m desperate to go back to normal,’ Montag, 23, tells Life and Style, which touts her 12 surgeries, but really, who’s counting? ‘I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.’

Montag is also keen to let the world know about her pain, and we don’t mean the psychological hell of being married to -- or pseudo-divorced from, or whatever you call it this week -- a guy like Spencer Pratt.

‘I was taking painkillers but they weren’t working so I stopped,’ she tells L&S. ‘It hurt either way.’

What’s truly amazing about Montag isn’t this particular news, of course, but rather her ongoing ability to create news of any kind. Usually, celebrity stories tend to dry up after a marriage, divorce or staged divorce.


But Montag, bless her, continues to engineer her own headlines, week after week. If her celebrity ever does truly run out, she certainly has a promising future as a Hollywood publicist.

-- Leslie Gornstein