We know what Charlie Sheen is going to do next -- really!


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Between the tour, the trolls, the lawsuit, the custody drama, the fabulous array of exotic weaponry, the goddesses and the brand-new winning vocabulary, it’s tough to stay ahead of Charlie Sheen news. Even Sheen seems to have trouble keeping up with himself; his Twitter feed, which boasts more than 2 million schadenfreude enthusiasts, is often old news by the time followers hit the refresh button.

But there is one group that seems to know what Sheen will do next, because it’s their job. I do not speak of the cops — though, if they don’t have a Charlie Sheen unit set up by now, they might want to reconsider. No, I speak of the Las Vegas bookmakers, who have been busy crunching the odds on Sheen’s future for the benefit of gamblers. Just in case, you know, the slots at the Bellagio no longer amuse.


Apparently, Sheen’s future looks like this: He will get arrested, possibly — but not necessarily probably — at his new halfway home for prostitutes, where he will be resting between takes of his new sitcom while, perhaps, shaving his head. Oh: Unless he’s getting arrested on a rape charge.

Not an exaggeration.

Per, which took time out of its frenetic March Madness work to run some numbers just for the Ministry, the odds looks like this:

Becoming a talk show host: 16.50% chance. Starting a prostitute halfway house: 16.50%. Shaving his head: 15.40%. Taking Hugh Hefner’s open spot as the face of Playboy: 20%. Getting arrested again: 50%. Starring on another sitcom: 66.70%.

All this before the end of the month, by the way. Place your bets now.

Oh: And hide the kids, hide the wife. So sayeth another oddsmaker,, which predicts that Sheen will face an arrest in his future, sooner rather than later. For what? Hey, glad you asked: A DUI tops the odds at 56%, followed by cocaine possession at 33% and then rape at 29%.

On the less likely side? Sheen might get caught for peeing on something he shouldn’t; JustBet places the odds on an arrest for public urination at a mere 6%.


Duh: Winning!


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— Leslie Gornstein