For Rent: Goldie’s Beach House. $95K/Mo, No Pets. Yes, $95,000. Yes, Per Month.

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If we didn’t have Realestalker, we wouldn’t even try to keep up with celebrity real estate, and we would have no idea how much a summer rental in Malibu can cost. But we DO have Realestalker, and we check it a couple of times a day for listings like this one:

‘OWNER: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell
LOCATION: Broad Beach Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $95,000/month
SIZE: 4,195 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Absolutely the prettiest lease available. Beautiful Balinese inspired home on deep sandy dunes, with gated entry. Oceanfront master bedroom suite with awe inspiring views, 2 large guest suites, office, sexy media room, and open kitchen living area overlooking oceanfront patio with intimate fireplace/gathering area and bar b que. Detached guest house with gym, kitchen and meditation room. NO PETS PLEASE...’

Your Mama, the voice of Realesalker, notes, ‘But what Your Mama wants to know is why the couple will not allow pets at their Malee-boo retreat? We’re sorry, but if we are paying $95,000 a month for a house we do not want to be forced to sneak our bitches Linda and Beverly inside the house. And y’all know that’s exactly what we’d do too, squirrel those bitches into the house inside our beat up Louis Vuitton cases.’