Opinion: A Plea to Paris Hilton’s Judge

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Judge Sauer, please, please, please don’t send Paris Hilton back to jail.

I don’t care about her mental state – the jail is full of crazies. If the sheriff has said it once, he’s said it a thousand times – the jail is the biggest mental institution in the country.

I don’t care about the justice or injustice of her time-serving.

All I care about is the fact that if Paris serves her full jail sentence, she’ll come out a changed woman, all right.

A brunette.

Speaking as a brainy born-brunette from a long line of brainy brunettes, we don’t want her back. She’s perfect as a dim-bulb blonde. Please, Your Honor, don’t let her return to our brunette pool.. Let her swim in her own peroxide pond. She might remember to thank you – maybe. I know my friends and family and I will.