‘Dancing With the Stars’: Déjà vu episode casts a cruel light

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Ah, the bloated, soulless, unnecessary results show. What better way is there to exploit the good will your hit reality TV series has built up?

Of course we are referring to the “Dancing With the Stars” recap and results show on ABC on Tuesday, which very cruelly stole two hours from the lives of many Americans who probably could have used them better.

Better like how? Oh, like maybe watching another certain reality television show that’s broadcast on another network at the same time. But by showing a recap, the producers of “DWTS” ensured that few of its viewers would be tuning in to “American Idol”, instead refreshing them with vital information as to what was shown just last week, and the previous night as well. Even the show itself seemed to be aware of its own lack of reason for existence, scrolling hopeful messages like “Live results show in four minutes!” along the bottom.

The faithful were rewarded with another hour nearly as scintillating as hour one. The live results show continued to serve as a déjà vu episode: the costumes were the same as the night before, the makeup the same, even some of the live dancing and “celebrity audience members” the same. And in case that weren’t enough, montages galore! (Although can anything top the surreality of Robbie Williams chiding Leeza Gibbons for ‘lazy feet’?)

Dionne Warwick sang her usual songs fairly well (her new album is for sale!) and Jimmy Kimmel was mildly entertaining (stay tuned for his show!) and Donny Osmond was…there(oh yeah, stay tuned for his ABC show, too!). Even the professional dancing, while impressive, reminded us why “Dancing With the Stars” is more entertaining than “Dancing With the Professionals”: without that little bit of risk, it’s just the plain old boring dancing we don’t watch on PBS.

Poor Paulina Porizkova (who left with the good humor and aplomb that apparently doesn’t make for good TV) probably wished she could have just learned she was getting the boot instead of having to stand around in heels—we know it’s possible that the recap could have been spit out in a half an hour. Hell, fifteen minutes.

Put among the great scandals of our era the creation—and consumption—of two hour shows meant to dole out ten seconds’ worth of information. If only there were some way to vote against that.

And of course the most infuriating thing is that now instead of getting to watch the “American Idol” performances, all “Dancing” viewers are left with until next week is that results show. Life is not fair.

-- Claire Zulkey