‘Top Chef’: Paranoia sets in

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Oh, Howie, we have quite the love-hate relationship with you.

We love some of the dishes you’ve created. Our mouths watered when you cooked up that braised pork shoulder with Yuca Sour Orange mojo for Latin week. We loved it more when you graciously gave up your prize, a bottle of fine wine, to guy pal Joey (eliminated last week), after chowing on his stew while serving up your own goods to the telenovela stars.

During the first week, we felt bad that you couldn’t get those darned frog legs on to your plate after the judges pronounced your risotto a real winner. We dubbed you clever when you updated the classic pork chops and apple sauce dish and transformed it into a healthier fennel crusted chop paired with an apple fennel salad.

But here’s the thing: You need to lighten up.

You want to win, and that’s fine. But you’re too paranoid and your food is suffering. Last week’s pasta came out weak because you were too busy getting irritated with Sara M. She deserved some chewing out last week for being a nag, true, but Sara N. certainly didn’t deserve being thrown under the bus this week. Not when you clearly assumed the leadership role and the team still floundered.

Sara N.’s had been sort of spacey during the last several challenges, her culinary knowledge was lacking (did she really say she had never heard of a Scotch Bonnet?), and ultimately she didn’t deserve to stay. But we’re rapidly losing our will to root for you, Howie, and kicking someone when they’re down is hardly a good strategy for impressing the judges.

We can tell you’re not a real jerk, Howie, but it’s really time to cut the whining and finger-pointing. Just cook. Also, we’re tired of pork. Give us something new. A Cuban sandwich would have been a good idea if we hadn’t already been exposed to the entirety of your pig product repertoire. And even then, we agree with the judges: If you’re going to call it a Cuban sandwich -- a name bringing to mind a pressed sandwich with buttered, lightly toasted bread, tender roast pork, ham, melted Swiss cheese, tangy crisp pickles and a squeeze of mustard -- don’t mess with it. Certainly not when you’re in Miami!

As Anthony Bourdain, who is guest blogging for BravoTV.com, succinctly wrote: ‘No, Howie. No.’

-- Denise Martin