‘The Hills’: At a standstill

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Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let’s skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night’s episode of ‘The Hills,’ we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory. We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what’s Lauren to do? Forgive and forget? Not exactly. Lauren’s reinterpretation of the old cliche -- ‘I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you’ -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with ‘The Hills’ is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Does anyone think maybe Lauren should just make up with Heidi already? Maybe forgive her and try to wait out her relationship with Spencer? MTV’s promo for next week’s episode reveals Heidi’s growing frustration with Spencer’s blase attitude with regard to their upcoming nuptials. (Then again, tabloids inform us that they’re still together.) Lauren’s no saint. And she managed to forgive Brody, who made out with someone behind her back, and Jen, the girl he made out with.

Heidi can be trouble, but she’s got to be more fun than Whitney and Audrina, right? Who could stand all of Whitney’s questions? ‘Isn’t that Heidi’s boss?’ ‘Do you think Heidi will be there?’ ‘Oh my gosh, Heidi is right there, are you OK?’ ‘Lauren, what’s going on? I just want to help you.’ That sing-song lilt in her voice doesn’t help either.

-- Denise Martin