Zagat, eat your heart out

CBS RADFORD Once the ‘ultimate destination’ for the ‘proletarian struggle,’ now this ‘no frills’ ‘bunker’ is a ‘safe bet’ for avoiding anyone you’ve ‘slept with.’ ‘Ample construction dust’ and ‘non-specific anxiety’ make visiting the MacDonald’s bathroom a ‘high point’ at this ‘bland’, ‘very casual’ locale. ‘A gem.’ DISNEY STUDIOS When it comes to ‘waving cardboard’ at the shadow of a ‘frozen, Nazi-loving ghost,’ the sine quo non is this ‘stand-by,’ ‘folksy’ institution. ‘A slice of Fascism’ proclaiming ‘free air’ and ‘live squirrels,’ the Disney Imagineers seem to have ‘worked overtime’ in providing ‘the feeling you are being recorded,’ but more ‘for retribution than for pay.’ FOX STUDIOS ‘Prius drivers and black women always honk’ has never seemed truer than at this ‘one-of-a-kind’ ‘propaganda stockyard.’ You’ll ‘come for the principle’ but you’ll ‘stay for the guilt’ as host Rupert Murdoch serves up ‘no easy sneak out routes’ and keeps ‘residual-philes’ ‘hanging in till three.’ Although CAA agents no longer ‘hand out pastry on trays,’ those ‘in the Biz’ may entertain the notion of ‘leaping into the fountain for a penny.’ NBC BURBANK Getting a school bus to honk has never seemed so ‘chic’ as at the ‘legendary’ Burbank ‘chez Leno.’ ‘Enthusiastic die-hards’ stand in ‘long lines’ to ‘stand in a long line’ as stories of ‘touching John Edwards’ and ‘creepy Ambassador Hotel premonitions’ make striking at NBC Burbank the West Coast answer to ‘yelling at any New York office building.’ PARAMOUNT MELROSE GATE Memories of Myrna Loy and Star Trek mingle with the aroma of ‘feet’ and ‘that guy from that pilot’ at this ‘clubby,’ ‘old-school’ ‘bastion of the corporate over-lord.’ ‘Six miles of aerobic walking’ and a view of ‘Mathew Modine in a sweater’ seem a ‘nifty trade off’ for ‘your career.’ Haute amenities include ‘shade’ and ‘sitting on a planter.’ SONY PICTURES Enjoy the visual ambience of ‘a plating company’ and ‘people with jobs’ as you ‘make eye contact’ with ‘sassy moguls.’ When I say ‘Union,’ you’ll say ‘Kill Me’ as you ‘trudge’ around this ‘larger than it looks’ ‘Deco whale.’ ‘How’s that iPhone?’ and ‘What have you heard?’ pepper the banter on this ‘seemingly endless death march.’ Locals recommend the Paul Haggis. UNIVERSAL BARHAM GATE Don’t let ‘searing asphalt’ and ‘noxious fumes’ deter you from this ‘centrally located’ ‘barren intersection’ which insiders have dubbed ‘Universal’s hind end.’ Make sure you try the ‘sunscreen’ as a defense against ‘le sol dangereuse.’ ‘Bright’ and ‘minimal,’ Barham boasts of proximity to a ‘furnished apartment complex’ as well as a ‘graveyard,’ so ‘ingrate picketers’ can see not only where they’re headed, but also where they’re ultimately headed.