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‘The City’: Breaking up is easy to do (when you have it on tape)

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Whitney Port is one very, very lucky woman. And not because of her mile-high gams, her sexy wardrobe or her amazing New York apartment. Whitney Port is lucky because while most of us are cursed to replay skewed versions of our breakups in our heads until our brains burn, Whitney has her breakup on tape. And that tape projects one message, loud and clear. Jay is a very bad, very manipulative man. When Whitney watches the breakup scene back, she will see Jay’s none-too-subtle manipulation, and she will be as repulsed as ‘The City’ viewers were Monday night.

Jay came to the breakup scene on the offense, turning every one of Whitney’s statements backward and making her the guilty party when she was clearly not at fault. Then, suddenly, he changed tack, becoming the whimpering apologetic lover, who just needed to focus on himself.

Whitney should play this scene on repeat on her flatscreen until she is utterly over Jay. Which should not take long. Thanks to the fact that tape doesn’t lie, and in this tape, Jay is indisputably in the wrong. I am never breaking up without a camcorder in hand again.

Although Whitney does not know it yet, Jay’s decision to end things before he left on tour was the greatest gift he could have given her. Now she can be free of him. And what was so marvelous about Jay anyway? Sure, he seemed mysterious, but in the end, the only true mystery was whether he was cheating on Whitney. There are plenty of other scruffy, couch-surfing musicians in New York, Whit-Whit, and contrary to popular belief, most of them do not cheat on their significant others. Just look at Pottsy!

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The whole musician-as-philanderer thing is one of the greatest fallacies around. People are either cheaters or they are not; it has nothing to do with occupation. Choosing a relationship with a used-car salesman or a lead singer neither increases nor decreases your chances of getting played. So keep those pretty eyes peeled, Whit. And trust your instincts in the next relationship, because with Jay, your instincts were right on, all along. Oh, and for the love of DVF, delete Jay’s number from your phone. Because the last thing we want to see is tearful drunk-dialing Whitney next week. We would much rather see sexy single Whitney, out on the town with the girls.

Lucky for you, Whit, Erin is the most perfect wing-woman ever created. She is boy-crazed, she likes to party, and she gets bored quickly when you talk to her about your problems. Meaning you won’t spend a night out with Erin whining about what’s-his-face. Plus, you can always crash on her couch if your big, Jay-infested apartment feels too lonesome and memory-stocked. So stay with Erin for a day or two, channel your heartbreak into your work (‘we don’t want to look at the bag as a burden!’), and come Friday night, get out there with she of the blunt brown bangs. And don’t come home till very early the next morning. Jay who?

Till next time.

— Stephanie Lysaght


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