‘Dancing With the Stars’ results: No butts about it


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Maybe the world wasn’t ready for all that jelly. Or maybe they, too, were sick of the needless abuse of the term “bionic booty.” But in one of the more shocking eliminations of the season, queen bee and rump-shaker Lil’ Kim was sent home this week. To take a catchphrase from last Thursday’s “30 Rock”: (gasp) Twist!!

As mentioned in Tuesday’s post, something freakish needed to happen with the voting if someone other than the low-scoring Ty Murray was sent home this week. And apparently, it did. Lil’ Kim and Derek Hough had a good six-point advantage over Ty and Chelsie coming into Tuesday’s elimination, so it had to have been the throngs of voters who came out in full support for our resident bull rider and saved him. Which goes to show that America loves its cowboys. Who love their wives. And whose wives stick by them and hang out in the front row. And while this fierce competitor has wrangled himself free of many a close call, let’s take a moment to consider how crazy it is that Ty Murray has made it to the final four of this competition!


Lil’ Kim will definitely be missed, however. Not only was she an effusive face for ballroom dancing, but as I said before, she really did seem to care about her fellow competitors. Plus, she always wore the best slogan tees during rehearsals. Her squeals of delight were genuine and infectious. And her “Jailhouse Rock” jive with Derek has got to be one of my favorite dances, ever. Just thinking about it brings shivers of delight.

But before we get to all that, let’s not forget the filler. Melissa and Tony’s perfect 30 samba was selected as the week’s encore performance. And while I thought they did a better job Monday night, it struck me how Tony had experienced a 180-degree turn of emotions in just the span of seven days. Last week, he was one sad sack of droopiness. Now he’s spry and spray-tanned and smiles all around, just raring for that finish line. The agony and the ecstasy that come with ballroom dancing, ladies and gentlemen!

Jamie Cullum -- he of the mussed bird nest hair -- performed a jazzy interpretation of Cole Porter’s “I Get a Kick Out of You” that took a head-scratching turn when he stomped on the piano keys with his Nikes. The scatty song was accompanied by a rousing, zippy quickstep from -- wait for it … Agnieszka Kazmierczak and Urs Gaisenhainer. Phew -- tripping through that name field is like a verbal quickstep of its own. Quick, last one to say it 10 times fast is a moldy samba roll! Though I feel that the pronunciation should come with its own tongue-tripper’s warning: Those linguistically challenged should consult a speech doctor before proceeding.

And then we had Kenny Mayne and his always-entertaining “DanceCenter” segments. Maybe it’s the billowy pink satin shirt or the full-on makeup and face decals, but I love Mayne’s dry humor and total randomness. And Jerry Rice was game as well, sporting a sparkly/sporty Chippendales look with a sequined vest, striped bow tie, and black marks under his eyes. A stodgy, spray-tanned Len Goodman rounded out the trio. Loved how Mayne described Lil’ Kim’s stats: “Height: Lil’. Weight: Lil’. Shoe size: Lil’.” And pointed out Mark’s odd squirrelly face. And mentioned that Gilles would get naked at the drop of a hat. “He’s prostituting himself and his good looks,” said Mayne. But my favorite was when the ESPN commentator lobbed a throwaway “11 on the sexness” when describing the Frenchman’s stats. Didn’t necessarily need to see all three lads shirtless (especially after being nearly blinded by Mayne’s apparent lack of melatonin), but if it meant we got to glimpse the salty old mermaid tattoo on Len’s blinged-out chest, well, then I guess that made it all worthwhile.

Next came the Macy’s Stars of Dance, which both Tom and Samantha teased as the biggest star the show has ever seen. This sent my mind scrambling: Who could the star be? Madonna? Kanye? The Ballas-Hough Band? Turned out the joke was on me: It wasn’t a celebrity at all, but a ginormous set piece in the shape of a star that dancers writhed and climbed all over, like the scaffolding in Paula Abdul’s “Cold Hearted Snake” video. Except that this was to Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida.” And Abdul’s video was cooler. Maybe it was just me feeling duped, but I just couldn’t enjoy it all that much. Not when there were visions of Madonna dancing around in my head.

In the competition with a competition, the three remaining pro dancers were paired up with former “DWTS” contestants. Afton DelGrosso was with Cody Lindley, Mayo Alanen was with an over-the-top Lisa Rinna, and Anna Demidova was with Maurice Greene. At this point, I’m rooting for either Mayo or Anna — both seem media-savvy and more than capable of getting their celebs to turn out a good performance. This is despite Anna’s ill-advised outfit, mind you — those different colored jewels on her bodice did not curry any favors, and reminded me of those crystal matrix tables in “Land of the Lost” — only with a bow at the neckline. Face-wise, doesn’t Anna kind of remind you of Meredith Baxter (Birney) from “Family Ties,” though?

Which brings us to the elimination. Shawn and Mark were deemed safe, which left only Ty & Chelsie and Lil’ Kim & Derek in the bottom two. At this point, I figured it was a foregone conclusion that Ty would be saying happy trails and riding off into the sunset (after all, he’s got his wife to go home to. And as he randily said after his, um, stirring solo performance at the end of his rumba, “Mommy like.”). But the voters sent the bubbly rapper home instead. This, amid cries of disappointment and shock from the crowd. And judging by her dropped jaw and subsequent squeal, it came as a surprise to her as well. Sadly, I’ll miss the little spitfire with her rocking attitude, bump and grind moves and ceaseless energy. Though I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t say that I would not miss another mention of that … “bionic booty.” Some things are better left behind.

What did you think? Were you shocked by this week’s elimination? Who do you want to continue in the pro competition? Post your comments below!

-- Allyssa Lee