‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Punches, hot dogs and lawsuits

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If you take nothing else away from Monday’s episode, let it be this: Teresa should write the follow-up to LuAnn de Lessep’s book on etiquette. When the “skinny Italian” wasn’t mauling her daughter’s face with a hairbrush or saying the F- word (‘foreclosure’ or “under foreclosed”) a million times, she reminded us why she’s “the sweetest.” It came in the form of this gem of a quote in talking about the infamous night that nearly left Danielle with less hair than Grandma Wrinkles: “The only thing I regret about that night was pushing Kim G. because she is an older woman, and I do respect the elderly.”

What a sweetheart.

To supplement her soft nature, Joe is apparently training their daughters to kick some Jersey butt by taking them to tae kwon do classes. It should be noted that their ferociousness comes with the incentive that hot dogs will follow. Nothing makes little girls punch, kick and slam like meat slurry! Meanwhile, Danielle is also getting tips on how to bob and weave — and jab — after Danny sets up a session with a self-defense trainer. No hot dogs were harmed in the ring, but Danielle renamed her fists “Teresa” and “Jacqueline,” which is slightly more disturbing than meat slurry.

But back to “The Night,” which is quickly trying to overshadow Kelly Bensimon’s breakdown on “The Real Housewives of New York City,” and I’m simply not ready for that yet. “The Night” can’t even compare with the table-flipping episode — bald spot or not. In any case, Kim G. goes over to Jacqueline’s house to try to “comprehend the explosiveness” of the evening. And I’m trying to comprehend the explosiveness of the revelation that she had to deliver pieces of Danielle’s hair to her — for what? To glue it back on? More absurd than the mini-wig delivery system Kim G. has going on is Jacqueline’s continued willingness to talk to this woman. Someone needs another session with Danielle’s energist.

And like the Flash, Kim G. shows up at Posche, where Teresa and Kim D. are — wait for it … wait for it — talking about “The Night.” Teresa apologizes for the evening. Kim D. says there’s no need to apologize. Teresa again claims to have only wanted to say “hello” to Danielle. Kim G. gets thrown under the bus as a member of the “elderly.”

Cut to Danielle, accompanied by the oldie and two other gals — or, as Jacqueline referred to them, “a bust-up version of ‘Sex and the City’ ” — outside a courtroom as Danielle prepared to file charges against Ashley, the gal she fondly recalled having been nurturing to. Heck, she even let her use her tanning room! Is nothing sacred?!!

Other moments:

-- Albie finally got that letter saying he could transfer schools because “being a lawyer is all I’ve ever wanted to be,” he told us. Uh, so why are you shooting this show and spending precious studying time playing the ham game?!!

-- Milania teaches us a new pronunciation for mozzarella: moozarellah.

-- Teresa fakes amusement (badly) when Joe tries to make light of the claims of financial instability by showing her apartments: “Joe is totally kidding…ha … ha … that’s never going to happen, I could never see myself living there.” She followed it up with: “I own a lot of properties … some good investments, some bad investments. The economy is bad.”

-- Danielle adds to her questionable word knowledge. Did she pronounce “karma” as CORE-mah? Or did I just hear wrong? The accent?

-- Danny’s sidekick provides endless rewind sessions with his strained attempt to fake interest while Danielle and Danny talk Ashley at their office, er, diner.

-- Kim G. gets the “duh” moment of the night with this statement: “I’m absolutely two-faced! I absolutely am!”

ShowTrackers, what did you think of Monday’s episode? Amazed that you never thought of hot dogs as a bribing mechanism? Think Kim G. has a potential multimillion-dollar business on her hands with this hair delivery thing? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

-- Yvonne Villarreal