Last Call: Attention, Dodgers and Angels fans

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With the Dodgers on the verge of the playoffs, and the Angels already in, there’s a good chance that some of you may be attending your first baseball game in the near future. With that in mind, here’s a field-watcher’s guide to the types of fans who may sit near you. Print this out, bring it with you, and cross them off as you see them. And if you have suggestions for other types of fans you see at games, leave it in the comment field or e-mail me at houston.mitchell@latimes.com and I will feature the best suggestions in a future Last Call.

1. The ‘Excuse me, pardon me’ fan. You’ll get a nice workout as you stand up every half-inning so this fan can go back and forth from their seat to the concession stand for beer. And, you can cool off when they come back, because invariably they will spill beer on you while stepping over you.

2. The ‘Know-it-all’ fan. This is the fan, always a guy, who tries to impress his buddies with his vast and intricate knowledge of the team and sport. Unfortunately, he’s always wrong. ‘Yeah, that’s Joe Torre. He replaced Mike Scioscia as Dodgers manager.’

Continued after the jump.

3. The ‘first date’ fans. There are usually a couple of high school kids. The boy, forgetting how much things cost at a baseball game, nervously checks his wallet after every purchase, thinking to himself: ‘I have enough money left for a cotton candy, but if she asks for anything else, I’m in trouble.’ Added bonus: You can tell if the date went well at the 7th-inning stretch. If she let him put his arm around her while they sing, then she likes him. If they stand close to each other, well, there will be no kiss tonight, but a second date is assured. And if she remains seated, this was their first, and last, date.

4. The ‘We’re too cool for the room’ fans. Usually two guys, in their early 20’s, who come to the game wearing a tie, which has been loosened to show that they are relaxing after a big day at work. They usually spend the game talking to each other loudly about their many important business transactions of the day, like they stepped off the set of ‘Wall Street’. They are really hoping a cute girl nearby will overhear them and take an interest. It never happens.

5. The ‘Can you see me now?’ fan. This fan spends the entire game on his cell phone, talking to his wife, husband, or imaginary friend. Any time he thinks a TV camera is pointing his way, he waves real big while saying ‘Do you see me? I’m waving.’ Unfortunately, he’s never actually on camera.

6. The ‘I love .....’ fan. Usually a woman, wearing a one-size-too-small jersey of her favorite player. She draws hoots and catcalls from the ‘we’re too cool for the room’ fans, and pretends to be embarrassed at the attention. Whenever her favorite player, say, Andre Ethier, comes up, she will yell out constantly ‘I love you Andre’ at the top of her lungs. She secretly hopes he will hear her and fall madly in love. However, she’s sitting about 40 rows back on the top deck, and the only people who can hear her are the poor souls who are stuck sitting around her.

7. The ‘This has always been my favorite team’ fan. They only show up near the end of the season, if the team is in first place. They profess their undying allegiance to their team, but if their team is trailing near the end of the game, this fan leaves early to beat the traffic.

8. They ‘Hey, is that seat open?’ fan. They spend most of the game looking for an open seat that is closer to the field. They spend the first five innings going to any seat that’s closer, until the people who have tickets for that seat show up. Then they make the march of shame back to their own seat.

9. The ‘What, there’s a game?’ fan. They go to the game with a friend or old college buddy and spend most of the game catching up on old times. You’ll get to hear his life story while the game is going on. And, when something exciting happens, this fan will ask, ‘What happened? I missed it?’ They won’t even know who won when the game ends.

10. The ‘Hey, a foul ball’ fan. This person is single-minded in their quest for a foul ball. They lock their eyes on any ball hit in the vicinity (And vicinity means anything with a six-aisle radius) and will steamroller over everyone to get to the ball. They will usually knock over a child to get the ball, until the boos from the crowd guilt them into giving the ball to the kid, at which point they’ll talk about what a great person they are for doing that.

Random thoughts:

Poor Tom Brady. Now that he is sidelined for the season, he gets to spend more time with his supermodel girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen. Ah, the rough life of a multiple-Super Bowl-winning quarterback.

While, uh, vacationing in Leavenworth, Michael Vick apparently forgot he had left some stuff at a public storage facility. The folks at the facility put his stuff up for auction, and the winner bid a whopping $10 for it. Do you think there were any chew toys?

Do you like Warren Sapp’s bubbly personality on ‘Dancing with the Stars’? If so, don’t tell anyone who works on the show. Apparently backstage he’s not the fun-loving guy he portrays. Aren’t fat people supposed to be jolly?

Hey, whatever happened to Jeff Hamilton?

--Houston Mitchell