THE GOSPEL OF CBS, ACCORDING TO TED

Here’s the “real” scoop about Ted Turner. I solemnly swear to tell the whole Ted and nothing but the Ted, so help me don’t believe a word.

There’s concern about the fate of CBS should Ted Turner beat the odds and gain control of the network.

Turner, who operates Atlanta-based Cable News Network and WTBS, a cable superstation heavy with old movies and reruns of old series, has long been a harsh critic of the big three commercial networks.

He claims that their programs aren’t wholesome enough, that they contain too much sex and violence.

If Turner succeeds in his hostile takeover bid, would he unleash wholesale wholesomeness on CBS? Would he bend the network to his conservative will? Would he reshape it to satisfy North Carolina Sen. Jesse A. Helms, and other conservatives who accuse CBS of a liberal bias?

Nonsense. My own reading is that Turner is a teddy bear who would make only minimal changes.

There would be a few administrative problems to be addressed, such as sending out the entire CBS executive corps for reorientation. But most of the changes would be in programming.

Here, based on close study of Turner through the years, is my own scenario for a CBS under Turner:

--”Dallas.” Turner’s distaste for “Dallas” and affection for “The Waltons” is well known. So look for some slight story shifts.

J.R.- Boy Ewing will enter a period of contentment and spiritual calm, making peace with Cliff- Bob Barnes and finding fulfillment in his new life as a church deacon and social worker in Appalachia.

--”Cagney & Lacey.” The two women give up their police jobs and open a sewing shop.

--”Falcon Crest” and “Knots Landing.” Probable redesignation as an animated kids series airing Saturday mornings.

--”Murder, She Wrote.” A nice series, but short on family values. Under Turner, it would become “Mother, She Wrote.”

--”A Detective in the House.” After giving up a career as an engineer to become a private eye, Judd Hirsch’s character now makes a job change that brings him even more fulfillment. New title: “A Salvation Army Captain in the House.”

--”Kate & Allie.” There are high jinks galore when Bob Denver shows up as the next-door neighbor of our two heroines in the hilarious new “Kate & Allie & Gilligan.”

--New entertainment series. At once reflecting Turner’s love of water sports and old TV, the centerpiece comedy in his new CBS schedule would be “My Mother, the Carp.”

The network’s centerpiece dramatic series would be “Happy Trails Playhouse,” an anthology of heartwarming campfire stories hosted each week by Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. And Turner, an avid sailor, would also favor a courageously wholesome adventure series along the lines of “The Young Boating Apparel Salesmen.”

--”60 Minutes.” It’s true that Turner has some concerns about the alleged leftward drift of CBS News and public-affairs programs. Although reluctant to tamper with a proven hit, he may feel that “60 Minutes” would be a much more meaningful Sunday program as “60 Ministers.” An example:

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. I’m Oral Roberts. I’m Rex Humbard. I’m Donald Wildmon. I’m Jimmy Swaggart. Those sermons and more tonight on “60 Ministers.”

--”The CBS Evening News.” Dan Rather’s strong contract could be a problem here. But Turner would make sure that Rather continued to have a strong voice on the newscast as co-anchor with Jerry Falwell. And there’s no reason to think that Rather wouldn’t enjoy co-anchoring by satellite--from his new post in Cheyenne, Wyo.

--”CBS Reports.” It’s untrue that Turner would dismantle this venerable program because of its controversial 1982 episode attacking former Gen. William C. Westmoreland.

Turner is a strong supporter of documentaries. So only one small change is likely here. “CBS Reports” becomes a pastry documentary series: “CBS Tortes.”

--”Nightwatch.” To be canceled. Nothing philosophical; Turner just believes that America should get to bed early.

--New public-affairs series. Charging that the media were too negative and ignored the positive things happening in the world, Turner last year briefly tried out a “good news” newscast. Look for him to resurrect it on his new network as “The CBS Good News.” Some prototype headlines:

Another day has passed without an epidemic of bubonic plague.

More people lived than died yesterday.

World War III has not started.

Turner and such philosophical allies as Sen. Helms also believe that the media haven’t given President Reagan a fair shake, something they would like to rectify on CBS. So, high on Turner’s list would be “The Spokesmen for Ronald Reagan Tell You What He Really Meant to Say Hour.”

If the experts are right, Turner may not get the chance to turn CBS into his very own Hee Haw network. But Ted-Boy and Jesse-Bob can dream, can’t they?