Like Pouring Oil on Troubled Waters

While being interviewed about possible offshore oil drilling in the North County area, Rep. Bill Lowery (R-San Diego) had a difficult time avoiding double-entendres in his remarks.

Lowery, like other local congressmen, conceded that he doubts that Congress will renew a moratorium that bars oil and gas drilling off most of California’s coast. Anticipating that the ban might end Oct. 1, California congressmen have been attempting to negotiate an agreement with the U.S. Interior Department aimed at scaling back the number of potential offshore tracts where drilling might occur.

However, if those talks fall through, Lowery said, “We’re going to fight with every ounce of energy we have” to continue the moratorium.

Stopping himself in mid-sentence, the congressman said, “No, wait, that’s a terrible choice of words and a bad pun. Let’s make it, ‘We’re going to fight with every resource available to us . . . ‘ “

Uh, that’s a little better Bill, but why not give it another shot?

Sure enough, later in the interview, Lowery reiterated his commitment to preventing offshore drilling here, saying, “We’re going to do everything in our power . . . .”

Ah, those zany congressmen! What a gas!

Hot Line Heats Up

In the You-Could-Have-Predicted-It Department:

San Diego police recently announced a plan to tap 23 telephones in a telecommunications dragnet designed to catch a man who has made obscene and threatening phone calls to at least 1,500 women since 1981.

The police also offered a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the obscene caller and asked anyone with information about the case to call a hot line number.

Naturally, one of the first calls received was an obscene one.

Police spokesman Bill Robinson provided this description of the caller’s message:

“He discussed female anatomy--in detail.”

Learning Can Be Funny

At ACCESS, an alternative educational program, one can take courses on everything from investing and “wrinkle control” to vegetarian cooking and T’ai Chi.

Now in its eighth year, ACCESS, an acronym for “A Cooperative Community Educational School System,” is known for its eclectic offerings of short, non-credit courses, taught in non-traditional settings--usually homes or offices--throughout San Diego.

Continuing that tradition, the school’s summer courses include:

- “Get a Round Tuit.” The ACCESS catalogue promises that this two-day course will help people “discover the causes and cures of procrastination.” This course promises to be a favorite, so you’d better register today. Or tomorrow. Or next week.

- “Goodby 9 to 5,” a course that, according to the catalogue, focuses on “50 Ways to Make Money Without a Job.” One of those ways can be found in another course titled “How to Marry Money.” However, you cannot take “Goodby 9 to 5” without money. The course, taught, ironically, by Maggi Payment, costs $40.

- “How to Meet the Opposite Sex.” Instructors hope, no doubt, that graduates of that course do not later sign up for another course, “Till Divorce Do Us Part.”

Celebration of Hair

It’s not often that one can visit an art gallery and get his hair snipped at the same time, but that’s exactly what art-watchers can do at the Sushi gallery downtown.

For 16 years, artist Virginia Bidlack has had alopecia (baldness), a condition that she says influenced “The Hair Piece,” which will be on display at the gallery through July 27.

Last year, Bidlack placed ads in an art magazine and passed out flyers asking people to send her a lock of their hair. The artist received more than 200 responses and made earrings from each lock, which she wears as a tribute to the contributors.

Each of the locks also has been carefully documented through “Hair Remarks” such as: “Size: approximately the same equal length all over. Cut: 11-23-84. Description: mostly . . . black with 5% streaks. Colors: black-red-brown (the natural roots). Blonde.” The show at Sushi includes the earrings, small bags of hair and messages given to Bidlack, a collection of her scarves, and some of her drawings. Those who visit the gallery to see “The Hair Piece” will be asked to give Bidlack a lock of their hair.