Money, Money Is What Makes Dickerson Run

Eric (the Green) Dickerson, money-hungry running back of the L.A. Rams, is hardly an unintelligent man. Nor is Ken Norton, the man counseling Dickerson in his current contract predicament, although Norton did conclude his previous career by pummeling Gerry Cooney mercilessly in the hands with his head.

Unless the Rams come up with more scratch, says Eric the Green, they can go out and find somebody else to carry their football this season. You don’t pay, I don’t play. So there.

Dickerson says there are an awful lot of good shows on television and he will be perfectly happy to sit home all winter and watch them.

Fred Travalena’s “Anything For Money” is no doubt his favorite.

Whether Dickerson will return to the Rams in time for their Sept. 8 home opener with Denver is the $64,000 question. Or more like the $640,000 question, in this guy’s case. The Rams should take the number off Dickerson’s jersey and put a dollar sign on it. Either that or pay him by the yard.

But they won’t. They won’t because they won’t risk offending the great man. They won’t call him greedy or tell him what he can do with his contract demands. Georgia Frontiere won’t break out into a chorus of “Got Along Without You Before I Met You, Gonna Get Along Without You Now.” Because the Rams did not get along that well before Eric Dickerson, and nobody knows that better than Eric Dickerson.

You can just hear Norton whispering in his ear, like a cornerman to a boxer: “Hang in there, kid. It can’t go on much longer.” Pretty soon, the Dickerson-Norton camp figures, the public will forget about baseball and start thinking about football and start thinking about the prospect of the Rams playing without Dickerson and start calling the Rams cheapskates and start burning their season tickets and blah, blah, blah.

Georgia Frontiere will go weak in the knees and say, “Give him what he wants.” Of this, Dickerson and Norton are sure.

You can certainly understand why Dickerson feels he deserves more money. He has been playing pro football for, what, 12 or 14 years now. He has led the Rams to several Super Bowls and is the sole reason people attend NFL games in Anaheim. Right. And Fred Travalena is a tight end.

Dickerson does not seem to be disturbed a bit by the idea of his poor old teammates struggling without him. Why, without him, of course, they will be held to 22 yards rushing in every game, will be forced to pass on every down and eventually will be unable to locate 11 volunteers to take the field. The Raiders will be drawing 90,000 a game whereas the Rams will be watched only by 17 friends of Frontiere in a luxury box.

The holdout has become an American tradition. It is a test of manhood, a tribal rite that celebrates a coming of age. A man is not a success until he holds out. Burger King cashiers, unite. Hold out. Bank tellers, hold out. Nurses, hold out. Strip-O-Gram dancers, hold out. Bartenders, hold out. Uh, on second thought, let’s not get carried away with this.

Speaking as someone who has just started a new job, I am seriously considering the option of holding out. The only possible drawback I can see to this is that my boss will hold out, too. He will hold out his hand, pick up the telephone, dial some other guy’s number and tell him to report to work immediately because Downey the greedy pig is being tossed out on his fat can.

Eric Dickerson will not be fired. He cannot go to work for a rival company, not right away, but the Rams will not call his bluff. They will not dare him to go play in the United States Football League or the Canadian Football League or the Pop Warner Football League or wherever else he can find work. They will not dare him to watch television all day, which is a fate worse than death.

What they will do is reach a compromise, in which Eric the Green gets what he wants, which is money, and the Rams get what they want, which is Eric. Possibly the Rams will wait to see whether they start the season 1-3 or 3-1 before making Dickerson a satisfactory offer. But make him an offer they will, because Eric Dickerson is not a greedy employee who deserves to be dismissed. He is just another athlete, as determined to get “more” as Oliver Twist.

The average citizen will get involved, but will accomplish nothing. Threats to boycott the Rams if they do not sign Dickerson will go unheard. Shouts of protest in Dickerson’s direction will annoy him no more than a scrawny defensive back in an open field. The public will have no say in this matter; we will only have to endure it.

Oh, what the hell. There are at least three million people in Los Angeles, and about seven million more in the suburbs beyond. If we all pitch in a buck apiece, maybe we could just go out and buy Walter Payton from the Bears. There would be enough left over to buy Eric Dickerson a remote-control device and a subscription to cable.