Vacant Office Available, Strings Attached

Office Available: Prime location on a marvelous mesa in America’s Finest City. Garden setting. Parking. Reception area. Carpets. Air-conditioned. Gym. Must see to believe. And we pay you to occupy.

Doesn’t it sound just a bit too good to be true? It does, and probably is.

But there is one way to find out for sure. Check with a neighbor. Find out what it is really like.

Interested Applicant: What can you tell me about that office up on the hill?

Neighbor: Not a bad spot, but the turnover has always baffled me a bit.

IA: Turnover? No one stays very long?

N: Not as long as you’d expect. One guy was there four months and then moved to Houston, of all the Godforsaken places.

IA: Why did the last occupant leave?

N: I never knew her, but I understand she was a pleasant woman. She was evicted after two years by an occupant of a higher office on the same mesa.

IA: Evicted? Why?

N: No one seems to know exactly why. The guy who bounced her didn’t seem inclined to explain. You know how landlords can be. Regardless, he’s been in his office seven years, and he’s seeking the fifth occupant for that vacant office.

IA: Is that a lot for that type of office?

N: That’s a lot for any type of office. It’s not a hotel room. It’s an office. You take the time to set up an office and you’d like to think you’ll be there after the paint’s dried. There’s a similar office in Ann Arbor, Mich., where they’ve had five occupants in 87 years.

IA: That is a bit baffling. What does the occupant of this office have to do? Milk cobras?

N: The way I understand it, the occupant supervises a bunch of men and women who, in turn, supervise a bunch of young men and women who play games.

IA: Sounds easy. Sounds almost like babysitting babysitters.

N: There must be more to it than that. I guess the occupant must have to go to a lot of games.

IA: Games? Allll right! Young men and women playing games. That doesn’t sound bad at all.

N: Not at all. The occupant gets free tickets to all the games. Gets to sit on the 50-yard-line for football. Anywhere in the arena for basketball. Name the game and the occupant gets seats. Gets to travel, too.

IA: Travel? Where?

N: Honolulu, for one place. That’s the good news. The itinerary also includes places like Laramie, Wyo.; Provo, Utah; Fort Collins, Colo.; and El Paso, Tex. You don’t take the office for the travel unless you like truck stops.

IA: Why would anyone travel to places like Laramie and Fort Collins?

N: Gotta supervise the coaches supervising those young men and women, and they play in a conference with universities from those places. Doesn’t make much sense with all the universities just up the road. And part of the occupant’s job is to convince the community what a wonderful conference it is. He has to explain that Colorado State and Wyoming are more interesting opponents than USC--or even Fresno State.

IA: Sure, and Paris, Tex., is more interesting than Paris, France.

N: Careful. You’ve got to watch your attitude if you want to occupy that office.

IA: OK. Let me ask you another question. It looks like a pretty impressive spread. Big bucks, huh?

N: I’ve gotta warn you. Looks are deceiving. It costs a lot more to run than it brings in, and the occupant has to figure out how to make up the difference. It’s a little bit like a Jaguar. If you can barely afford the payments, forget it. The maintenance will bury you.

IA: Wait a minute. This is starting to sound not as good. The ad doesn’t say the office comes with a debt.

N: Of course not. Do you expect them to list cockroaches and debts? You take a drawer full of charge cards extended past their limits and you get an idea of the debt.

IA: How can a debt like that be erased?

N: That question comes with the office. The occupant has to get the community involved. The occupant has to get the community excited.

IA: How does he do that?

N: He doesn’t. The teams supervised by those coaches he supervises have to win, especially the football and basketball teams. And that doesn’t always work. The basketball team won last year, but the community yawned. I guess the occupant has to somehow convince the community that it can be fun to either win or lose.

IA: Just like he has to convince the community that it can be as exciting to watch Texas-El Paso as Cal Berkeley--or even San Jose State?

N: Now you’re catching on. The occupant will have to be a person who can sell snake-oil at an AMA convention, whiskey in Provo, Utah, and a Chevy to Lee Iacocca.

IA: If I can do all that, I can occupy the office?

N: Not exactly. You still have to be a diplomat in your dealings with people who occupy other offices on the mesa, particularly the big guy in that highest office. You should make it a point to invite all the right people to barbecues, New Year’s Eve bashes, Sunday brunches and Tupperware parties. If everyone is always invited, they won’t have to bug the phones in your office to find out what they’re missing.

IA: And if I do all that?

N: You’re getting close. You still have to understand that the coaches you are supervising are supervising students. You have to make sure they enroll students who have at least half a chance to graduate before their children are in high school.

You should probably start by hiring coaches who speak proper English.

IA: Is that all?

N: Except for dealing with boosters, radio contracts, television contracts, scheduling, newspaper reporters . . .

IA: Newspaper reporters? They’ll probably bother me with a lot of questions.

N: That’s no problem. You refer all of them to the big guy in the highest office.

IA: What if he can’t answer them?

N: He never does. But you have a problem if he gets too many questions, or they’re too tough. Then he evicts you.