Commentary : Hey, Commissioner, We’ve Got Criteria, Too

NEWS ITEM No. 1: Commissioner Peter Ueberroth’s office issues new guidelines for cities interested in obtaining expansion team.

COMMENT: So who did we eliminate, Buffalo?

NEWS ITEM No. 2: Columnist proposes new set of guidelines for commissioner Peter Ueberroth’s office before he’s allowed to bring one of his expansion teams into Denver.

COMMENT: Personally, I like the Zephyrs more everyday.

I think we ought to have it in writing that they’ll be in the World Series every other season.

Anytime they go below .500, we ought to have the option of farming the entire franchise out to Albuquerque for a season.

We should be guaranteed of at least one no-hitter a season and no fewer than two players must have more than 40 homers.

We ought to be the ones making the demands. Sometimes I feel like Ueberroth is selling lottery tickets and he’s telling us that if we’re really good boys and girls out here in Denver, he might sell us one.

I can’t say the words, because I made a pledge not to utter them after the short-lived strike. But since when does the commissioner of the national pastime go around setting new criteria for expansion teams, as if deeming our worthiness? Is he pope or commissioner?

Pope Peter had best look at his ledger sheet again and check the profitability of Pittsburgh, Seattle, San Francisco and Cleveland, just to name a few.

We’re not going to get down on our collective knees and grovel out here in the Mile High City. And, if Ueberroth doesn’t stop with those thumb-sucking memorandums every six months, we’re apt to forget the whole thing.

I don’t know about you, but until I see the team in uniform at Mile High Stadium, I’m not buying anymore of that bullbleep about the big leaguers coming to Denver. First they tell us they have to have a new commissioner before expansion can be discussed. Then they tell us the labor problems must be resolved. Then they tell us that current franchises in financial limbo must be solidified. Now they tell us we must meet a new set of criteria.

Sorry, I don’t believe in long engagements or long-distance romances. Let’s either get to the altar or dispense with all this gibberish.

Don’t you just love some of these demands that the commissioner’s office is laying on the expansion cities?

For instance, under ownership, the net worth statement should be “$100 million or more.” Do they want that in cash, gold bars or CDs?

I love the items under “Stadium.”

They’re trying to tell us that the stadium seating capacity should only be between 35,000 and 45,000. Does that mean Mile High Stadium, with 75,000 seats, is automatically out? You don’t want too many seats, you see, because that doesn’t create a demand for season tickets, and drives down the price. We certainly don’t want to make anything affordable for the working man around here, do we?

And under “Luxury suites” we can’t have just any old type of video. We must have, according to Ueberroth’s new guidelines, “state-of-the-art video board satellite receive-send capability recommended.”

Huh?

Funny, I used to be able to enjoy the game when they just had the old “Home-Visitors” scoreboard and a human’s arm came through the aperture every half inning to hang up the numbers.

Surely, though, we can’t be expected to endure the anguish of watching a game without the “state of the art video.”

They would also prefer that the stadium be privately owned. And under “State and local government,” the commissioner’s proposal also calls for “minimization or elimination of tax disincentives” and “uniform tax policies on visiting clubs receipts and player withholding.”

Is it just me, or do you feel like somebody has a gun to our heads?

I’m not sure what “tax disincentives” and “uniform tax” means exactly, but I have a clue. The commissioner would like somebody to assure him that the new franchise would receive favorable tax considerations.

While they are at it, I hope they’ll include sports writers covering the team.

And I have a few more I’d like to add on to our list of criteria for Mr. Ueberroth’s expansion team before I will deem it worthy of having a home here in Denver.

--We demand that Vin Scully broadcast the games, with Harry Caray as backup.

--We don’t want players that do drugs.

--The manager should live in downtown Denver, hang out at the Press Club or Marlowe’s or Club Tivoli, be proficient at kicking dirt on umpires, be capable of duking out Billy Martin in three rounds or less, and look like a cross between John Wayne and William Bendix.

--No computerized organs.

--Hot dogs must not cost more than 35 cents and should be at least as good as those in Yankee Stadium.