Dole, Simpson Go for Laughs, Not Damage : Senate Wits Cushion Their Hits

The Senate is often a stuffy and self-serving institution enlivened mainly by the unintended gaffe, but senior Republicans Bob Dole of Kansas and Alan K. Simpson of Wyoming are standout exceptions.

As Gerald R. Ford’s vice presidential candidate in 1976, Dole delivered tart one-liners and showed a slashing political style that was partly blamed for the defeat of the ticket. After the campaign, Dole reflected on his image and admitted that he had been “going after the jugular--my own.”

“Many people come in and say, ‘I hated you in ‘76,’ ” Dole reflected. “These are generally Democrats. But that was my job; go out and feed them the raw meat. Now they say, ‘Boy, you’ve really changed.’ ”

As the Senate Republican leader and a likely presidential candidate, Dole restrains himself.

“I don’t say you soften, but you understand that certain things work, certain things don’t work,” he said. “I think sometimes you have to say, ‘Don’t say it, let it pass.’ I’ve probably missed some great lines that way.”

His forte is one-liners. He has the delivery of an expert fly-caster and a poker player’s deadpan.

“You don’t hurt people,” Dole said. “Even though people might laugh, and hurt, they think, ‘That was kind of mean.’ And I haven’t done many roasts; they get pretty tough.”

Dole’s material is topical, drawing from events around him.

“I was speaking at the Outlaw Inn at a Republican meeting in Kalispell, Mont.,” Dole said. “I thought, ‘There’s got to be a joke there somewhere.’

“My question (to a Republican audience) was: ‘Why are we having this meeting in Democratic headquarters?”

Simpson’s mere appearance inspires jokes--he is 6-foot-7, nearly bald and rail-thin--and he first developed his humor as a shield against pain.

“Humor for me came from the fact I weighed 185 pounds in the seventh grade and was 5-7 or so,” he said. “I had knock-knees and . . . I couldn’t outrun anybody or outfight anybody or outdo anybody.

“That’s where you’ve got two choices--go and suck your thumb, or learn humor.”

He still debunks his physique. His shiny pate is “the solar panel for a sex machine.”

“Humor is very good for me,” he said. “Especially when you begin to think you are the great potentate of powers and prowess, the high this, the chairman of that. It’s good to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say, ‘Al, you are full of it.’ ”

He is frequently ribald in private, but careful not to hurt.

“There’s a fine line between good humor and smart-ass, and I sometimes cross it,” he said. “You know when you’re doing something unseemly. There is a misuse of humor around town, like roasts.

“There’s nothing funny about how close you can get to sticking it in some guy. I’ve watched those roasts. The guy goes home and he’s in pain.

“I don’t like ethnic humor. Somebody will come up, say with some story about some minority and I don’t laugh.

“I know that if I laugh . . . or use that kind of humor, that means I have a seed of that stuff cooking in me.”

Satirist Mark Russell has used political humor for years, and the wit of Rep. Morris K. Udall (D-Ariz.) has entertained the nation for a generation. They admire the two senators.

“At his height in ‘76, when he had the hatchet man label, a reporter asked him what he thought of his image of a gut fighter,” Russell joked. “Dole smiled and kicked him in the gut.

“But he’s mellowed. It isn’t as damaging now; he is reflective.

‘Healthy Cynicism’

“Simpson epitomizes the Western disdain for ‘inside-the-beltway’ (Washington know-it-alls),” Russell said. “As did (former Interior Secretary James G.) Watt. But Watt was mean-spirited. Simpson has a healthy cynicism.”

Udall has watched Dole grow as a person and a humorist.

“People like a presidential candidate or majority leader to have a sense of humor and resent it if he is too cruel. He’s taken that to heart.”

Udall compares Simpson to “an old Abe Lincoln around a cracker barrel, always, ‘Let me tell you a story.’

“In the South and West, before television and radio, you had to be an entertainer. You had to go into town and exhort, to inspire folks, but do it in an interesting way and get a few laughs. He’s in this political tradition.

The Wit and Wisdom of Dole and Simpson

Sen. Bob Dole

“On election night in 1976, even at the point where we were 80 electoral votes behind, I went to bed and slept like a baby. Every two hours, I woke up and cried.”

After a congressional battle over banking legislation: “Not that I am unpopular with bankers, but just before I left home tonight, mine came by and picked up his toaster and set of dishes.”

“I was seated next to (Secretary of State) George Shultz and asked him what he thought about the Caribbean Basin. He said, ‘It’s OK, but personally, I like a shower better.’ ”

Of former Interior Secretary James G. Watt: “What can you say about a man whose dream is to have a parking lot named in his honor?”

Sen. Alan K. Simpson

Of former Sen. Howard Baker: “He dresses so loosely, he has to stay inside on trash pickup day.”

On a dubious nominee for appointive office: “He filled out an application form and in the blank where it said, church preference, he wrote, ‘red brick.’ ”

“They were doing a movie on Congress and when they got to the part where the congressman refused the bribe, they had to use a stunt man.”

“The rich are indeed different. Among the Republicans in Beverly Hills, the Internal Revenue Service is known as a terrorist organization.”

“I have come to know the difference between a horse race and a political race. In a horse race, the entire horse runs.”