TAKE A MEMO

You're the manager for Pia Zadora's earth-shattering concert series singing the torch song standards. You prepare this memo:

OK, I think we got a real special show here. Pia's got the looks, the money, a Golden Globe award, and a classic performance with a garden hose in "The Lonely Lady." Now, she doesn't have much of a voice, but we'll take care of that.

Great, to start off we'll charge an arm and a leg for admission. If three people show, we've made our money back. Yeah, I like that. OK, now to hide her voice we'll have a 30-piece orchestra. No, with her voice, a 40-piece orchestra. Oh, make a note to hire around 20 people to sit in the audience and sing the tunes loudly, they'll drown her out. Get the cast of "Cats," minus the makeup.

Now, let's provide unlimited cocktails and champagne. Make martinis only available in gallon-sized tanks. Let's open the doors at 8:30 p.m., Pia comes on at 11 p.m. By that time, with all that drink, the audience will think they're seeing Ronstadt. By the time she's finished her set, everybody's either too drunk or too tired to demand their money back. What an evening!

Read that back to me.

RICHARD S. BORDEN

Woodland Hills

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