‘NEW LOVE’ DEFINITELY OLD HAT

ABC broke a basic rule in reviving “Love American Style”: Never wake a sleeping midget.

This is the season for face-lifted, rouged-up, hair-transplanted oldies, including “The New Newlywed Game” in syndication and ABC’s daytime “New Love American Style,” the 3-week-old offspring of the old (1969-1973) weekly comedy anthology series that pioneered the format for “The Love Boat.” So much for glittering genealogy.

Just imagine if daytime were used as a primer for relationships in the United States. . . .

On soaps, you would find continuous misery and tragedy.

On “Divorce Court,” you would find spouses accusing each other of infidelity and kinky sex.

On “The New Newlywed Game” (which airs in early evening on some stations, including KCOP Channel 13), you would find a smirking middle-age man asking innuendo-laden questions of America’s blissful (“I do not wear pink panties!” “You do, too!” “You’re a fool!” “No, you’re a fool!”) young marrieds.

Watching Paramount’s “New Love American Style,” you would experience life through a plexiglass shield--two sterile, lifeless stories per half hour. You would discover a show whose scripts surely were scrawled out on lined notebook paper by someone waiting for the wash to tumble dry in a Laundromat, a show whose leaden jokes would sink an aircraft carrier, a show with an electronic whoopee cushion timed to laugh at every belch.

Does ABC really think American viewers are this desperate--or dumb? Don’t ask.

There’s an easy test to apply to the characters in “New Love American Style.” Would you want any of these bricks living next door to you? In the same block? In the same city?

All right, here we go with some “New Love American Style” flashbacks:

“Love and the Serious Wedding.” Louise wants a traditional wedding and her fiance, Ralph--wearing a gorilla suit--wants a wedding featuring practical jokes. She hits him in the face with a cream pie. Can you stand it?

Come the wedding and Ralph is wearing roller skates and has put something on the carpet of the church to make everyone’s shoes stick. And fasten your seat belts, because the minister ad-libs: “You have ruined my Hush Puppies!”

The wedding continues. But wait! A man claiming to be Louise’s former lover threatens Ralph with a gun. It’s curtains for terrified Ralph. But wait! It’s only a fake gun. Get it? Louise has turned the tables and played a practical joke on--are you ready?-- Ralph ! But wait! The minister has turned around and he’s wearing a. . .

False nose!!!!!

You hardly have time to catch your breath when its time for “Love and the Condo.”

An estranged husband and wife mistakenly arrive at their rental condo on the same night and argue over who has the right to be there. It’s guffaw city when she says, “You can never admit it when you’re wrong, can you?” And you fall off your chair when he mercilessly retorts, “That’s because I’m always right.”

And now get this: They agree to share the same bed but--can you believe this utter craziness?--she pulls the covers off him. The insanity soars when her parents walk in because they think it’s their night to have the condo. And while they’re all arguing, her father stands there carrying a box of heavy groceries and his arms--ho ho ho--are so. . .

Tired!!!!!

And then another couple walks in, claiming it’s their night for the condo. And then the original couple falls in love again and decides not to get divorced. And you’re asking yourself: When will this wonderful wackiness end ?!!!

Some choice moments from other segments of “New Love American Style”:

--A wild and crazy guy buys an expensive Italian sports car that he prefers sleeping with instead of with his wife. The next day, he tells her, “I’m boiling over.” And she says, “So am I.” And he says, “I’m overheating.” And she says, “So am I.” Here’s the nutty twist. She doesn’t know it, but he’s talking about. . .

His car!!!!!

--A little girl visits a lawyer (never mind how she got there) and tells him, “I want to divorce my husband.” She tells the lawyer that she and her husband are always fighting. But wait! This little kid is really talking about her parents, who just happen to be listening in (don’t ask why they’re there) and are real happy and probably will not get a divorce.

Or if they do, the nation will probably see it happen one of these days on an all new daytime series, thundering laugh track and all.

“Divorce American Style.”