THE NIGHT I GOT A BUZZ OUT OF BEING A NO-SHOW

Despite a promise that the subject of restaurant reservations has made its last appearance in this column, more things to say on the matter keep coming this way--usually with the assistance of various correspondents, professional and lay alike. This time, though, this reporter has two cents more of his own to put in--a peripheral observation on the whole problem, inspired by something that just happened:

The point has been made over and over again in this space that we diners should always keep our part of the bargain--that we should either show up when we’ve said we’re going to or call to cancel our appointment. It’s this latter part that has recently given me trouble.

I had a reservation, one night recently, at a popular Westside eatery--a table for two at 9 on a weeknight. Around 5 that afternoon, my file cabinet went berserk, my tape recorder had a heart attack and the dog ate my typewriter. There was no way, in other words, that I was going to finish my day’s work by dinner time (or feel much like dining trendily if I did ). So I did what all good potential no-shows do: I called the place to tender my regrets. The line was busy. OK. No problem. I tried again in a few minutes. Still busy. I punched the number five times in a row, just for the heck of it. Bzz Bzz Bzz Bzz Bzz . I forgot about the place for a while and went back to work. I tried again a little after 7. Busy. Dialed again. Busy again. Then I tried once more and, glory be, I actually got a human being to reply. Briefly.

“Glitzo’s” (not the real name), said a rather jagged-edged female voice, “Hold on.” Yes, you read correctly: She forgot the magic word. And there I was on hold. And ordered to stay there, if I had heard correctly. I actually did hold for a minute or two, against my better judgment, before hanging up. I tried once more, half an hour or so later. The line, believe it or not, was busy. Too busy. And so, I decided, was I.

I had done my best. To heck with it. I no-showed.

Now it’s not a restaurant’s fault for being popular. I would argue, though, that a place that is habitually extremely busy (as this one is) might be able to afford an extra phone line or two and someone to field it. And there’s no argument possible at all about the fact that a restaurant in business to serve the public has no business treating callers rudely or brusquely.

“Hold on,” indeed! I must amend my previous exhortations about canceling reservations, then: Always try to do it, and don’t give up just because you get a busy signal or two. But if the buzz goes on all night or--most of all--if some ill-mannered oaf or oafess on the line starts giving you orders, just forget it. Let the joint and its precious table rot.

FUN FOOD FACTS: Mauro’s in Glendale has been advertising that it serves “Italian Novell Cuisine”-- novell being a word neither English nor Italian. It is the word, though, for new (though in the masculine form, and hence not really applicable to cuisine , which is feminine) in Catalan, the language spoken in Barcelona and vicinity in Spain. Is Mauro’s trying to tell us something, or do they just need a new dictionary? . . . Co-owner of the new American Sampler, scheduled to open late this month on Melrose Avenue in Hollywood, is a gentleman named Rad Ish. And no, he will not work as salad chef. He is, among other things, supervising the design of the new establishment. “It’s a cross between ancient landform and modern technology,” he says. “Some call it ‘Aztec Astronaut.’ ” (Not around here, they don’t.) . . . And just in case you don’t yet believe that nouvelle cuisine is really dead, you might be interested to learn that what used to be the Michel Guerard boutique at Bloomingdale’s in New York is now the Gerard boutique--named for French ski star Gerard Rubaud, who runs the operation with chef Patrick Grangien. The specialty? Guerard-inspired goor-may food packaged in plastic bags--the kind you drop into boiling water to cook.

GRAZING: Two veterans of the kitchen at Mischa’s in Hollywood have rejoined the staff there--chef Luis Carrera (who has cooked at Ma Facon and Severino’s in his absence) and Mariam Markarian, mother of Mischa’s proprietor Mischa Markarian (and a mean chef herself). The restaurant has also introduced a new menu, featuring dishes like duck mousse with Armenian brandy, curried lamb stew with eggplant, and shrimp in brandy and lime sauce. . . . Chef Guy Birster, formerly of Entourage (now Michel’s Entourage) in West Hollywood and Jimmy’s in Beverly Hills, is now co-owner of the Bread Basket restaurant in Camarillo and is consulting for Ventura’s Roseholm Inn. . . . O’Shaughnessy’s downtown in the Arco Plaza is pushing exotic imported beers with a “Beer Passport”: Sample each of the 14 brews listed thereon (and get your “transit stamp” for each) and you’ll be inducted into O’Shaughnessy’s International Beer Hall of Fame--surely something to write home about. . . . And Werner Albrecht, former chef at the Four Seasons Clift Hotel in San Francisco, has come to Los Angeles to set up a new restaurant called Dailies, scheduled to open May 1 in the new Filmland Corporate Center in Culver City. . . . And tomorrow Fellini’s on Melrose Avenue celebrates Federico’s birthday with movies, prizes and a special “8 1/2 dinner”: spaghetti, salad and garlic bread for eight-and-a-half bucks.