Mothers, Children Tell How Job Can Affect Home Life

For a more personal look at the Gottfrieds’ study of how the decision of mothers to be employed or be homemakers affects their children’s development, The Times interviewed four Orange County mothers and their children who have been study participants since 1979.

One mother is a homemaker, two mothers work full time outside the home and the fourth works part time. Chosen at random, this group of mothers and their children represented an effort to get a cross section of the views of the 105 women in the study, 60% of whom work full time and 40% of whom are homemakers.

Notwithstanding heated public debates over whether mothers should work, the four women interviewed were non-judgmental about the child-rearing and career decisions being made by their contemporaries.

Teacher Marilyn Bunton attempted to explain an apparent lessening of conflict between working and non-working mothers. “For a while (in the late ‘70s), I and a lot of mothers felt guilty that we were out working and not at home taking care of our children,” Bunton said.

“Then (when more mothers started working), there was something of a role reversal,” said Bunton, 39, during an interview in the Anaheim Hills home she shares with her husband, Clarke, 41, a real estate developer, and daughter, Allison, 7, and son, Scott, 2.

“But I think by and large the problem has resolved itself. I just don’t get the feeling that it’s one of those things people get very upset about anymore. It was a ‘70s issue. This is the ‘80s. People are much more concerned about making whatever career and child-rearing decisions they’ve made work.”

Immersed in Volunteerism

Full-time homemaker Joyce Givens has immersed herself in volunteer work. Her longstanding desire to participate in community activities is the other reason she cited for giving up teaching following the birth of her son, Matthew, seven years ago.

“As Matthew gets older, I’m getting more involved in more community and volunteer activities,” said Givens, who now is active in a group supporting higher education for women, is a member of a hospital support group and also stays busy in church affairs. “I worked non-stop from the time I was 16 (including putting herself through college) until I was 32.

Lead Comfortable Life

“I never got to participate in a lot of the activities that other high school and college students did. I’m finally getting to do the kind of volunteer work I’ve wanted to do for a long time.”

Givens, 38, said she and her family lead a comfortable life in the large ranch-style house they have owned for 13 years on a quiet cul-de-sac in Anaheim. The Givenses have stuck to their commitment that she would become a homemaker after Matthew’s birth although it has meant financial sacrifices that her friends who work don’t have to make.

Givens said she and Matthew spend a lot of time together following a plan that she and her husband, Tim, 44, a sales representative, formulated before Matthew’s birth.

She drives Matthew to and from school and to his after-school sports activities. And they often go to the beach, to a nearby bird sanctuary or to the neighborhood library for story hour. Yet, Givens has concluded that there is just so much time you can spend with your child before you begin hampering his development.

“I don’t think it’s such a good idea for Matthew to spend too much time with just me,” Givens said. “He doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, and there aren’t any children his age in our neighborhood. So I make an extra effort to make sure that he’s involved in activities with children his own age.”

Matthew volunteered: “There aren’t any kids around here to walk to school with, so I’m glad that my mom can take me to school and pick me up.”

Interestingly, even Givens followed the practice of the working mothers interviewed and enrolled Matthew at age 3 in preschool on a part-time basis.

Asked if Matthew had benefited from her being a full-time homemaker, which Givens says will continue until Matthew enters college, Givens gave an unexpected answer. “It’s hard to say if my staying at home has made any difference in how Matthew’s turned out.

Quality Time or Quantity?

“In my heart I want to say ‘yes,’ but intellectually I know that would be dishonest.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that what happens to your children has nothing to do with whether the mother stays at home or works. What matters is whether parents take an interest in--and take responsibility for--what their children do. Unfortunately, too many parents really don’t care about their children.

“I hate to say that the ‘quality time’ you spend with your child is far more important than the ‘quantity time’ spent with him because the terms have been overused and have been co-opted by non-caring parents. But I think the principle’s true; children can tell whether you care about being with them and enjoy that time you spend with them.”

Expanding on this view, teacher Jean Thompson-Hilstone said: “I don’t think that it’s important that a mother stay at home after her child’s birth, otherwise I wouldn’t have returned to work. As long as the mother is happy doing it, and there’re no problems with the kids, I don’t see what the brouhaha is all about.”

“Of course, young children should have stability, and Rachel has had the same baby sitter most of her life,” Thompson-Hilstone, 37, said of her 7-year-old daughter.

When Rachel, the older of her two daughters, was born seven years ago last November, Thompson-Hilstone recalled, she took the 2 1/2 months of paid maternity leave provided by the Anaheim City School system and was back in her fourth-grade classroom by the following February. She followed a similar pattern after the birth of her other daughter, Jemma, 5.

Costa Mesa Family

Thompson-Hilstone’s husband, Lance, 44, is credit manager for a Los Angeles company. Their combined salaries, Thompson-Hilstone said, made it possible for them to purchase the two-story, five-bedroom house they own in an established Costa Mesa neighborhood.

Thompson-Hilstone said her greatest problem has been in learning how to balance child-rearing tasks with job responsibilities. This task has been eased by the cooperation she’s received from her husband. “When the children get sick, I’ll take one day off, or Lance will take a day off to be with them,” she said. “It all depends on who’s got the most commitments at work that day.

“I wouldn’t be able to pull this off without Lance’s cooperation. A mother shouldn’t be expected to handle both a job and the kids by herself. The husband has to share in the responsibility. I don’t see how single parents do it.”

(It is not an insurmountable obstacle; 18% of the mothers in the study are now divorced, with no apparent ill effects on their children’s development, according to Allen and Adele Gottfried. “Mothers and children really are more resilient and adaptable than we’ve given them credit for in the past,” Adele Gottfried says.)

Carolou Munson of Yorba Linda is unique among the four mothers interviewed in that she works part time. Three days a week she’s a physical therapist, and two evenings a week she teaches Lamaze childbirth classes.

“It’s a compromise,” said Munson, who has relied largely on baby sitters, preschools and day-care centers for child care. “I want to do a couple of things at the same time: be my children’s caretaker, continue my career and bring in some extra money for the family budget.”

‘Working’s Hard on Moms’

When Matt, now 7, was 6 months old, Munson returned to work on a part-time basis to supplement the salary of her husband, Terry, a teacher and coach at Los Amigos High School in Garden Grove. They and their two other children, Scott, 5, and Lindsay, 3, occupy a four-bedroom house in a new development in the hills of Yorba Linda.

“Working’s hard on moms,” Munson said, “but I’m not sure the children suffer. A lot of my girlfriends don’t work, and they don’t offer their children the kind of enhancement you’d think. Their children don’t seem to get any more attention than those of mothers who work.

“On the other hand, a lot of my girlfriends work full time, and they seem less relaxed than I am (just working part time).”

Matt observed: “Sometimes, when my mom’s not here I miss her because I love her so much. But if she didn’t work, we wouldn’t be able to live in this big nice house. I understand why she has to work. I’m used to it now, and I think it’s OK.”

In the same breath, he added that his mother’s work schedule allows him to spend two enjoyable nights a week alone with his dad. “The only bad part is that I have to go to bed at 7:30.”

Matt said that when he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, he uses the one that allows him to see into his parents’ bedroom, especially on nights when he goes to sleep before his mother arrives home.

“I use that one because I want to make sure you’re there,” he said as he glanced sheepishly at this mother.