Definitely Not Final Word on the Final Four

Big Al and Little Billy have been asked to comment on the NCAA Final Four. This is not what they said.

Al McGuire: As usual, they want me to say a few words about how the NCAA basketball tournament will come out. I guess they asked Packer, too, even though he gets to broadcast the whole thing this weekend on CBS with what’s his name, Burnt Cheeseburger. If I know CBS, they’ll probably also bring in the Goodyear blimp and Jimmy the Greek, which are of equal dimensions and mind.

Billy Packer: Well, all I know is that they’ve been asking McGuire and me for weeks how the NCAA basketball tournament will come out, and the only time he’s been right was when he said LSU was a sleeper. Trouble is, McGuire said there were 64 sleepers. He thinks the whole world is a sleeper. He thought Grenada was a sleeper. McGuire ought to work in a furniture store.

McGuire: Packer’s just mad because only one of his precious Atlantic Coast Conference teams made the Final Four. Packer has never forgiven me for beating his beloved North Carolina when I coached Marquette. He’s the only Packer nobody in Wisconsin liked. He’s what I call a 10-cent lunch, Purple Heart, homeless orphan, Little Sisters of the Poor kind of guy, whatever that means.

Packer: Somebody get me an interpreter. McGuire uses a lot of colorful words, but he doesn’t know anything about basketball any-more. The other day I asked him how Navy looked, and he told me it had an aircraft carrier in the middle and four dinghys at the other positions. I wish the guy would take a Berlitz course in English. Al McGuire is the only sportscaster in America who needs subtitles.

McGuire: Well, enough about Packer. Time to talk about the Final Four--or, as they’re calling it in Louisville this week, Denny Does Dallas. I think Denny Crum has the best team right now. He’s got five thoroughbreds. Five skyscrapers. Five aircraft carriers. Five gladiators. Five Mount St. Helenses. Five easy pieces. He’s got a better five than Dave Clark. This is a better Louisville team than the one with One Thumb Brown, Doctor Dunkenstein Griffith and the McCrays, Rodney, Scooter and Joel.

Packer: Yes, but can they beat Dale Brown’s Louisiana State club? LSU plays smart basketball. Remember what Tom Brookshier once said about Louisville’s total IQ. I guess that makes this Brown vs. Bored of Education. I was chatting with North Carolina Coach Dean Smith the other day and we agreed that the team that wins this game will be the one that works hard on defense and gives 110%.

McGuire: I agree that Dale Brown has done one heck of a job at LSU, which is better than two hecks of a job. Dale is what I call a brigadier general, a ringmaster, a first banana, a head cheese, a top-loading automatic, an aircraft carrier. His kids believe in themselves. The only reason I didn’t pick LSU to beat Kentucky is that I thought Kentucky would score more points than LSU.

Packer: Dale Brown’s a good coach, but I’m not sure I trust a man who bites down the net after a game. Someday somebody’s going to throw that net around Dale, if you get my drift. Still, LSU just might beat Louisville. I was chatting with Maryland Coach Lefty Driesell the other day, and we agreed that the team that wins this game will be the one that works hard on defense and gives 112%.

McGuire: All right, I’ll go out on a limb and predict that Louisville will beat LSU, unless it’s the other way around. If the game is still tied after two overtimes, the winner will be the first one who can pronounce the name of the Duke coach. The first time I saw that Duke coach’s name, I thought it was an eye chart. He’s got more letters than the post office. When somebody told me the Duke coach was Krzyzewski, the first thing I said was: “Gesundheit.”

Packer: Duke is obviously the best team in the tournament. They play the toughest competition all season. Day in and day out, they play the best. Kansas plays Nebraska State and Topeka Tech and Oklahoma S&M.; Kansas doesn’t stand a chance against Duke. I was chatting with North Carolina State Coach Jim Valvano the other day, and we agreed that the team that wins the game will be the one that works hard on defense, gives 114% and comes from Carolina.

McGuire: There he goes again. Packer keeps telling me ACC teams have the best overall talent in the country. I sort of agree. I doubt if there is anybody else in the country more talented in overalls. Everybody in Carolina should work down at Gomer and Goober’s garage. Believe me, Kansas has too many tall skyscrapers in its front line, too many totem poles, too many World Trade Centers, too many towering infernos, too many aircraft carriers to lose to Duke.

Packer: The day Kansas beats Duke is the day Don Ameche marries Whoopi Goldberg. Come on, McGuire. The only reason Kansas got this far is that the timekeeper in Kansas City still uses an hourglass. Michigan State would have beaten Kansas if they hadn’t been using a 60-second shot clock. No wonder in Kansas they say: “There’s no place like home.” Who was keeping that clock, anyway--Michael Rennie? That was the second day time stood still.

McGuire: Well, I was chatting with every head coach east of the Atlantic seaboard the other day, and we agreed that you don’t know a chest pass from a can of Cruex. Kansas will hit Duke like a cyclone. Louisville will beat Louisiana State in the Louie-Louie game. Then, Kansas will win the title, and Packer’s face will turn the color purple.

Packer: I don’t have to take that from a guy who thought “Out of Africa” was the Akeem Olajuwon story. Duke will beat Kansas so bad, Larry Brown will get a technical for begging the referee to keep the clock running during timeouts. LSU will take care of Louisville because the Southeastern Conference is located so doggone close to the ACC. In the final, Duke will win by 30 points and Dale Brown will be carried away wearing a white jacket and beany-copter hat.

McGuire: Do you really think so?

Packer: Nah. Somebody else wrote this junk. I could never argue with you just to be controversial.

McGuire: I know. If you ever said anything controversial, you couldn’t work for CBS.