Strict Marriage Policy Adopted to Counter High Divorce Rate in Modesto

Church leaders in this Central California agricultural city have adopted a community wide marriage policy to make it tougher to get married.

The covenant--believed to be the first of its kind in the nation--has been signed by 63 clergy representing more than 30 Protestant, Catholic and Greek Orthodox churches and Modesto’s only Jewish synagogue.

The policy mandates a four-month minimum waiting period before couples can be married. During that time, they are to complete at least two premarital counseling sessions; evaluative testing; biblical teaching on morality, marriage and divorce, and--as needed--marital instruction from “a mature married couple.”

“It’s too easy to get married; therefore, there are too many divorces,” said the Rev. Jim Talley, an associate minister for singles at Modesto’s First Baptist Church.

Talley pioneered the idea of the uniform marriage policy and spearheaded its adoption through the 55-member Greater Modesto Ministerial Assn. last January. He believes that longer courtships and engagements, coupled with stringent premarital counseling, improve the odds for marriage success.

One of 17 full-time ministers at the 3,700-member independent Baptist church, Talley noted during a recent interview that the majority of divorces two decades ago involved couples married outside of churches.

More Divorces Than Marriages

But that distinction has disappeared. “While almost 90% of all weddings take place in a church or synagogue, half of all marriages end in divorce,” Talley said.

According to the Stanislaus County clerk’s office in Modesto, more people filed for marriage dissolutions last year than were wed: 2,417 divorces compared to 2,244 marriages in the county. The population of Modesto is about 123,000.

The Modesto community marriage policy puts responsibility for minimal standards squarely on the pastors:

“We believe that couples who seriously participate in premarital testing and counseling will have a better understanding of what the marriage commitment involves,” the one-page statement says. “As agents of God, acting on his behalf, we feel it is our responsibility to encourage couples to set aside time for marriage preparation instead of concentrating only on wedding plans. We acknowledge that a wedding is but a day; a marriage is for a lifetime.”

“Who’s doing quality control?” Talley asked, speaking of the “high marriage failure rate” of ministers. “Nobody wants to be responsible. I think we ought to hang it on the guys who do the marrying. Crummy quality control produces a crummy product.”

While the unified front is “a big leap forward” for some ministers, according to Talley, others already had even stiffer marriage requirements.

Msgr. William Kennedy, pastor of Our Lady of Fatima Roman Catholic Church and one of six Catholic priests in Modesto to sign the marriage agreement, said parishes in the Diocese of Stockton have been observing a six-month marriage preparation policy for nearly 10 years. (The Archdiocese of Los Angeles has a three-month waiting period.)

Some Marriages Called Off

“There was resistance at first,” Kennedy said. “But it’s becoming pretty much an accepted procedure. . . . We’re not getting as many problem referrals after marriages as we used to. We are seeing positive results. And some marriages are delayed or called off when couples learn they are not suited” for each other.

A clinical psychologist oversees the premarital courses used by Modesto-area Catholic churches. And married couples are heavily involved, sharing their experiences and advice in finances, communication, sexuality and parenting.

Father Efstathios Mylonas of the Modesto Greek Orthodox Church of the Annunciation said marriage arrangements in the Orthodox community are typically started as early as a year before the wedding.

The new policy seems well accepted by area ministers, Mylonas said. “Even those who didn’t sign it agree there is a need for (premarital) counseling.” The policy leaves each minister free to decide how to carry out the required counseling and instruction.

The community-wide effort received a major boost from syndicated religion columnist Michael McManus when he recommended the policy at a meeting of the Modesto ministerial group last fall. The association flew him out from Connecticut in January to again urge its adoption and report on the project in his columns.

“I have never seen such candor by local clergy on the church’s failure to equip people for marriage--nor such an ecumenical determination to do a better job,” McManus said.

But not all Modesto ministers signed the covenant; six of 53 attending the meeting disagreed with the “no exceptions” approach, according to Talley. (An additional 16 clergy later signed, however.)

The Rev. Charlie Lane, pastor of the Greater True Light Baptist Church, was a signer, but he reserved the right to waive the four-month waiting period in special cases.

“I fully agree with what they’re doing,” Lane said. “But, say the young lady is pregnant or already has children, and the young man is ready to meet his obligation or fulfill his responsibilities with the family. I would hate to delay that.”

Dislikes Blanket Rule

The Rev. Hugh C. Denham, director of the Big Valley Wedding Chapel, where 300 weddings are performed each year, did not sign the covenant. Denham said he was “not against anything any other denomination does. . . . I’m of the opinion that counseling is good--up to a point. But I believe a church cannot make a blanket rule.”

Denham, who sometimes marries couples on the first day he sees them--”but we discourage that”--said each case must be decided on its own merits.

“Suppose you have an 80-year-old man and a 79-year-old woman,” Denham said. “Are you going to tell them they have to wait four to six months? That’s ridiculous. They may not be around that long.”

The influence of the community marriage policy on the sexual practices of couples seeking church blessing is potentially touchy. Although the Bible’s forbidding of sex before marriage is largely ignored by couples--even in church circles--some ministers refuse to marry couples who live together before they marry.

Roman Catholic Bishop George Speltz of St. Cloud, Minn., provoked national attention last year when he referred to cohabitation before marriage as “immoral and a scandal to the community.” In a pastoral letter, he directed his priests not to marry couples who live together unless they agree to live apart before their wedding.

Talley, 44, said Modesto’s First Baptist Church also requires couples to adhere to this policy for at least three months before marriage and offers to financially help any who say they cannot afford to live apart.

Dating couples at First Baptist also are encouraged to use Talley’s book, “Too Close, Too Soon” and participate in a series of training courses over eight months that are designed to weed out incompatible couples before they head for the altar.

About 600 couples have taken the course over the last half a dozen years; 300 of them chose not to marry.

“I see that as effective divorce prevention,” Talley said. “They came to realize, ‘We’re not ready for marriage.’ ”

But, Talley added, “To my knowledge, none of the 300 who did marry has gotten a divorce. Although three I know of are really struggling.”

‘Build Genuine Friendship’

During the initial four-month training period, to “build a genuine friendship,” couples in Talley’s program agree not to engage in any physical touching (not even hand-holding) or to see each other more than five hours a week.

During a subsequent four-month “relationship commitment,” couples must agree to meet for eight sessions with a church instructor and “not talk or even think about marriage.” At the same time, they are not to spend any “one-on-one time” with anyone else of the opposite sex. (This means luncheons, gifts, notes, cards and the like.)

Talley also has devised a physical relationship scale of 1 to 10, in which 1 is “look,” and 10 is “sexual intercourse.”

“I simply present the chart to the man first and ask him to give me the maximum number they have been to as a couple,” Talley explained. “Then I ask her if that is correct.”

If the relationship goes beyond a 7 (French kiss), the couple is asked to do “additional homework” by filling out a work sheet on moral purity. And, if they reach an 8 (fondling breasts), the man is expected to contact the instructor. Repeated transgressions may terminate the training.

Talley admitted that he was a tough instructor when his daughter was dating her prospective husband.

“My (future) son-in-law had to give me a ‘numbers count’ every other week on what he was doing with my daughter.” Talley said with a chuckle.