ALL NEWS THAT’S FIT FOR FOOLS

The news is hot in my historic First-Annual-Not-to-Be-Believed-Under-Any-Circumstances April Fool’s Day Column (a day late).

--G. Gordon Liddy has replaced Pat Sajak as host of “Wheel of Fortune.” Producer Nancy Jones said that although the syndicated game show was still very popular, it needed new blood.

“I’ve always wanted to be a game-show host,” Liddy said. “I’ve got some ideas that I think will make the show even more popular and add some fun.”

However, Jones has rejected Liddy’s suggestion that losing contestants be required to swallow cyanide capsules and that the show be renamed “Wheel of Torture.”

--Public television’s “Masterpiece Theatre” will become a weekly “girlie show” next season. In making the announcement, executive producer Rebecca Eaton assured traditionalists that there would be continuity between “Masterpiece Theatre” and the new series. “Alistair Cooke will continue as host,” he said.

“It’s easy to get into a rut, and this will give me the opportunity to let my hair down and break out of my shell,” said Cooke excitedly.

Eaton said that the deal for the new series was delayed when Cooke initially balked at appearing nude on TV. “It wasn’t that I was shy,” Cooke explained. “I’ve always been adventurous. They just couldn’t meet my price. But all that is worked out now, so bring on those girlies.”

--NBC has approved executive producer Michael Mann’s plans to change locales for his hit series “Miami Vice.” Starting next season, the show will be shot in Des Moines, Iowa.

“We’ve gotten a little stale in Miami,” Mann said. “But ‘Des Moines, Iowa Vice’ will get us back on the right track. Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas are both looking forward to the square dancing, and we can do a multitude of stories about the illegal corn trafficking out there.”

Mann said that Johnson and Thomas also are excited about the prospect of wearing polyester leisure suits.

--Howard Cosell is now speaking differently in an attempt to change his image. “Hey, my man,” Cosell said to this reporter recently. “Ain’t gonna play Sun City.”

Giving this reporter a “high five,” Cosell revealed that he was in town doing some break dancing. “So, let’s get it on,” he said.

“That other dude you saw on TV and read about weren’t never me,” Cosell said, as he began strutting down the street. “I never wanted to do that ‘Battle of the Network Stars’ stuff or that fancy talk. ‘The Man’ made me do it, exploited me the way he does all the brothers.”

Cosell said that although he is through with TV sports, he still enjoys the spirit of competition on a more intimate level. “How ‘bout some pool?” he asked.

--”The Cosby Show,” TV’s most popular prime-time series, will not be renewed for the 1986-87 season. NBC Chairman Grant Tinker, who is known for his sense of fair play, said that he felt that withdrawing “The Cosby Show” was the proper thing to do, even though it may damage his top-rated network.

“I believe in winning, but I believe even more in the integrity of TV and the three-network system,” Tinker said at a press conference. “With Bill Cosby leading off Thursday nights, it was getting to be impossible for CBS and ABC to compete. NBC was becoming a dynasty, and for the good of the entertainment industry, I just couldn’t have that.”

--Unidentified terrorists took 100 Americans hostage Tuesday. But ABC, CBS, NBC and the Cable News Network are refusing to cover the incident.

“The ultimate goal of terrorists is to manipulate the media, and we will not be taken in by this shameful ploy,” the networks said in a joint statement. “Do these terrorists really believe,” the statement continued, “that we will rush to cover such a blatant attempt to use TV as a stage to publicize their views? Do they think that we are that naive or that our hunger for ratings would lead us down such a shabby path?”

“Besides, the timing is bad” a network news source added privately. “No promotion, no nothing. When will these guys learn? If we just had some advance notice, we could plan these things.”

--Capital Cities Communications, which recently assumed ownership of ABC, announced that it would attempt to revive the network by firing all of its employees. “It’s part of our new austerity approach,” said new ABC President John B. Sias. “With no payroll to meet, we can really save money.”

--At KCBS, anchorman/commentator Bill Stout had to be removed from the studio when he got the giggles. “You know Bill,” said a colleague. “He’s just so silly.”

April Fools!