ROCKIN’ ROUND THE FLAG

Is it too late to reschedule the Bicentennial? Now that rock ‘n’ rollers finally are getting into the American spirit en masse, about a decade too late, the MTV channel is starting to look more like something that could be called the USA Network.

This “New Patriotism” takes many forms. There’s Jackson Browne singing that he wished these United States were in the right (“For America”), and then there’s the America-right-or-wrong flavor of novelties like the collaboration between wrestling heavyweight Hulk Hogan and rock lightweight Rick Derringer (“Real American”). Neither vision of the red, white and blue way is very compelling, unfortunately--at least not in the video translation.

There is something uniquely American, though, in the fact that the bottom of this barrel of current video clips is scraped by a bad actor taking on a new career. Ratings are based on a scale of 0-100.

Cathode rays guaranteed to induce alpha waves:

Philip Michael Thomas’ “Just the Way I Planned It.” Director: Philip Michael Thomas. One hates to bandy about terms like Worst Video of All Time when one knows that the next viewing day might well bring about something even more contemptible. Nonetheless, even in an infinite universe, this is the finite nadir, folks.

This one has it all--bad mysticism, bad sexism, bad self-ism. The “Miami Vice” star has a hard time keeping his shirt on here, and it’s no wonder, what with all the willing females always trying to claw at his chest. At one point, they all converge on Thomas. He succumbs, but soon we find out who’s really boss as he stands once again, the nearly naked nubiles now vanquished and motionless at his feet.

Lest we think Phil is concerned only with matters glandular and not spiritual, there are special-effects shots where he develops a third eye and laser beams shoot from his head into the cosmos. But the most perversely fascinating moment comes when we hear the line “I’m like a child at Christmas” as a shot of Thomas’ face is superimposed over a pregnant woman’s belly. Is this a messiah complex or what ? 0