Dear Celtics: You Have Got a Very Big Surprise Coming

Dear Celtics:

This is to inform you that your much-awaited rematch with the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA final has been postponed indefinitely.

Wait till next dynasty.

The Lakers politely request that you excuse their absence in Boston Monday when you fellows open the NBA championship series.

In their place, the Lakers are sending a nice bunch of kids named the Houston Rockets. And don’t say, “Houston Whats ?”

I think you’ll like these Rockets. You know how last year you guys said you could see the Lakers’ egos crumbling after the first game of the NBA final?

Well, this time it happened in the Western Conference final, and this time it was Humpty-Dumpty City. Egos crumbled. Fists flew. Hearts broke. Laker fans cried.

The Rockets beat the Lakers four in a row after losing the opener. They won Wednesday night, 114-112 . . .

--Without their superduperstar, Akeem Olajuwon, who was ejected late in the fourth quarter for taking a swing at Mitch Kupchak.

--On the Lakers’ home court.

--On a desperation, buzzer-beating, circus whirl shot by 7-4 Ralph Sampson.

--In a game the Lakers once led by 14.

--In a game where the Lakers finally got on the backboards, real good, 51 to 31 in the final box score. Rebounds, many rebounds, but no rings.

--In front of Laker-likers such as Henry Winkler, Lou Grant, John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors, and Norm Nixon. And your old pal Jack Nicholson. That’s right--Jack won’t be back this time.

Someone else will have to moon the Garden.

Get ready, Celtics. This is a clutch team, these Rockets. Four games in a row; they won the game at the end by fluffing and folding, bending, spindling and mutilating the Lakers. Winnin’ time? The Lakers never got there.

Listen, Celtics, you guys sure you’re ready for these Rockets? They’re a very eager group of young men.

You know how players always say that going into a series, you can throw the stats out the window? Well, the Rockets threw the Lakers out the window.

The Lakers really wish they could be there, fellows. They gave it their best shot Wednesday night. Kareem was climbing the boards. Thirteen rebounds! Six offensive!

Michael Cooper was a dervish. Magic Johnson was sensational.

But when it came down to one last shot, the shot that could put the Rockets away, the ball went to Byron Scott, who missed an open jumper, as he had most of the evening.

Then came Sampson’s unbelievable shot.

I don’t have to tell you guys that there’s no joy in Mudville out here. The Lakers had a chance to make history, be the first team in nearly two decades to repeat.

They really wanted to get back there and play you Celtics. They hear Boston is beautiful this time of year. Send ‘em a postcard.

Hard to believe, isn’t it? You were expecting “Sewer” Rambis and “Crybaby” Johnson and the hated Kareem, along with Designer Label Riley and assorted dancing girls and dancing Barrys.

Instead we’re sending you Twin Towers and a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of, but soon will. You might recognize the coach, a short guy with a sense of humor named Fitch. We’re sending you the team of the ‘80s. And ‘90s.

Like I said, the Lakers gave it their best shot. Remember when that was enough?

In the first quarter, the Lakers hit probably the high point of their season, considering the circumstances. At one point they led, 26-12, and had a 10-1 rebound advantage.

These Rockets, though, I’m telling you guys, they don’t know about home courts and tradition and respect for elders and all that stuff.

They’ll probably come into the Boston Garden and ask somebody, what’s the story with the funny floor? They’ll probably ask for Larry Bird’s autograph.

Don’t be fooled. I’m not sure where these guys came from, but they can play. They think pressure is something you put in your tires.

Like I said, the Lakers send their regrets. Who knows when they’ll get a chance to get out that way again?

Pass on their regrets to the network TV boys, too. Old CBS wanted a Laker-Celtic rematch, too, but they forgot to clue in the Rockets.

So, on behalf of us folk out here on the West Coast, home of the former NBA champions, give our regards to the Causeway, remember us to Bunker Hill.

And just a friendly warning: Watch out for those Rockets.