GEMS YOU’LL NEVER SEE ON THE SCREEN

The fall season is typically unexciting. Once again, however, an offer of help is extended from yours truly, the originator of “Miami Mice,” “Little Black Rambo” and other series ideas that would have electrified America had the industry been farsighted enough to employ them.

Holding no grudge, I hereby offer yet another list of can’t-miss ideas for series:

-- “The Adventures of Shirley Holmes.” Mystery adventure. Yes, the master detective’s great-granddaughter is following in his footsteps as a private eye in Los Angeles, assisted by her loyal, bumbling, ever-puzzled friend, former Secretary of the Interior James Watt. Shirley: “Elementary, Watt.”

-- “Fin & Tail.” Police series laced with hip humor. Det. Joe Fin and Det. Steve Tail are both tough veteran cops who discover they have one more thing in common. They’re both mermen.

One night their boss, Capt. Robert Gill, calls Fin and Tail into his office and confesses that he, too, is from the sea. Then in walks policewoman Margie Scale with her own startling news. Will anyone else learn their secret? And why does Police Chief Alvin Sharker have such funny teeth?

-- “Call Me Doctor.” Sitcom. Dr. Ruth, Dr. J and Dr. George exchange jobs--and no one knows. In one particularly exciting sequence, Dr. Ruth scores the winning dunk giving Philadelphia a world championship while Dr. George lectures Dr. J on sex.

-- “Neighborhood.” A socially conscious drama. A family of left-wing trolls moves next door to a family of right-wing elves. The elves threaten to sue when the trolls build a bridge to sit under in their front yard. But wait a minute. Is it the trolls’ bridge or their politics that really irritates the elves? Will these two families ever learn to live together . . . as Americans?

-- “The Nasties.” Zany sitcom. You won’t find more disgusting people anywhere. One is Tork, who loves to spit at everyone. Another is Grot--get near him and he’ll blow his nose on you. Finally, there’s Poon. She’ll pull your ears and call your parents terrible names.

When Tork, Grot and Poon get stuck in an elevator together, the high jinks begin.

-- “Dad’s Brain.” Inventive sitcom. A 90-year-old woman gets into hilarious spats with the 115-year-old brain of her father, preserved in a jar. In the opening episode, the woman and her father’s brain get a surprise visit from the father’s 140-year-old father, who reveals his plan to become a flamenco dancer. Then they all go out to dinner.

-- “Heeerrrre’s Spud.” Charming sitcom about a witty talking potato with his own late-night show opposite Johnny Carson.

-- “Dentists From Outer Space.” Science fiction and not for the squeamish. Aliens set up dental practices and implant seeds in the molars of patients out of which spring little tooth fairies who infiltrate all levels of society. Who will stop these fiends before it’s too late? Will it be. . . .?

-- “Our Friend, Bobo.” Warm sitcom. All right, so he’s no brain. He smells and never bathes. He’s mean to animals and children. He does all the wrong things at the wrong times and eats with his mouth open and chews tobacco--simultaneously. But we sure love that appalling little cuss, cause he’s our . . . friend . . . Bobo.

-- “Huh?” Offbeat reality series. Everything is backward. Parrots teach humans to talk like them. Fish tell tall stories about the size of fishermen they got away from. Famous people do impressions of nobodies. Guests on “What’s My Line” try to guess the occupations of the panel. Jerry’s “kids” have a telethon for him .

-- “Porgy and Les.” Musical sitcom with moving social message. TV has had ethnic and gay comedy, but never involving the same characters in the same show supported by a stirring Gershwin score. This exciting premise has Bess rejecting Porgy, who then expresses his repressed sexuality by moving in with the white Les, who sings Bess’ part in the famous aria.

-- “Key, Please.” Drama. A room clerk in a luxury hotel serving the rich and famous has lots of racy stories to tell about the guests, but doesn’t tell them. The premise may have to be reworked.

-- “Robin Leach’s Lifestyles of the Poor.” Reality series. A Leach production, although the actual interviews are conducted by his maid and gardener.

-- “Robin Leach’s Lifestyles of the Mafia.” Reality series. Mobsters open their compounds to Leach and share their success stories.

-- “Robin Leach’s Lifestyles of Foreign Despots.” Reality series. Same format.

-- “Robin Leach and Mr. T: Together Again.” Two of America’s top stars co-host a variety series.

-- “The CBS Morning Wolper.” News program. Impresario David Wolper turns CBS’ troubled morning news program into a weekday laser spectacular with headlines being mincingly read by 150 Gary Franklin clones (“Ooooooh, thenewsissobad. I hateitIhateitIhateit!!!!!”).

-- “Crazy Quirks.” Reality series noting life’s ironies: If Boy George were black, calling him “boy” would be an insult. Yes, another crazy quirk.

-- “Burger’s Burgers.” Sitcom. U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger plays himself as he retires and opens a fast-food restaurant.

-- “Laugh Tracks.” Brilliant comedy concept representing enormous savings in production costs. Weekly half-hour featuring a laugh track with no cast or story.

-- “What’s Your Name?” Fabulous prime-time game show where dumb people get prizes for recalling their names and bonus points for spelling them.

-- “L.A. Lawn.” Drama about one of the city’s most glamorous landscaping firms. A sensible senior partner keeps a close watch on the firm’s ambitious young hotheads, who engage in a power struggle for control of shrubs and fruit trees. In the exciting first episode, a junior partner’s wife has an affair with a fertilizer salesman and a critical decision on azaleas nearly costs the firm a top account.

-- “Snow White and the Six Dwarfs.” Adult mystery series drawn from the famous nursery tale. Nothing has changed--except that Snow White has the hots for Sneezy, and Dopey has disappeared and foul play is suspected. Is Dopey dead? Or is Dopey really Grumpy? A tense psychological thriller.

-- “Ramos and Andy.” Socially relevant sitcom proving that TV can insult Latinos as well as blacks.

-- “Two’s a Crowd.” Police series. A veteran streetwise male cop resists being paired with a young, by-the-book female cop. Although they continually bicker and generally despise each other, you have the feeling that they’ll be a terrific pair once they learn to get along. Before they can do that, however, he shoots and kills her.