A Laborious Late Night With Wimpy

When Wimpy Halstead was growing up in Oklahoma City, he dreamed that one day he would leave the dust and the street fights and make something of himself. Monday night, he reached his goal. In just 4 1/2 minutes on the “Late Night with David Letterman” television show, Halstead did indeed make something of himself.

You have to understand that boxers, either by their intrinsic nature or as the direct result of being thumped repeatedly on the head, are different than most folks. They are, for the most part, outwardly arrogant. They see themselves as invincible. They brag and talk nonsense, all in an attempt to make themselves well known.

Wimpy, who trained for a year in Simi Valley before returning to Oklahoma a month ago, has taken the process a step further. He has somehow managed, as Letterman and millions of insomniacs discovered in the first 30 seconds of his appearance, to combine the personality traits of John McEnroe during a root canal and Billy Martin during Happy Hour.

After a brief introduction by Letterman, Wimpy burst onto the stage looking like a bag lady. A bag lady with no hair. A red bandanna was tied tightly around his shaved skull, and he wore a sleeveless T-shirt with “Wimpy” emblazoned on it. The outfit was completed by wrinkled blue jeans, filthy sneakers and black socks. People dressed like this are normally turned away from fine restaurants. McDonald’s, for example.

Wimpy was immediately faced with a major decision. There were two chairs for guests on the set. One was next to Letterman’s desk. The other was several feet from Letterman’s desk and had Letterman’s suit jacket draped over the back of it. OK now, quick, which chair did Wimpy select? If you guessed the chair that was not near Letterman’s desk, you are right. If you also guessed that first, Wimpy removed Letterman’s jacket from the chair and handed it to the bewildered talk-show host, you may understand the inner workings of Wimpy’s mind much better than you should admit.

Letterman asked Wimpy to move to the other chair. But by Wimpy’s puzzled expression, you might have thought Letterman had asked him to give a brief dissertation on the metallurgical properties of plutonium. In hindsight, Letterman probably wishes he had let Wimpy stay in the wrong chair. And had moved the chair to Rhode Island.

For the next minute or so, Letterman could only listen as Wimpy babbled. The boxer seemed enthralled by the fact that Letterman had taken his jacket off. “You took your jacket off, and I’m cold in here. Geez. Put that jacket back on! Look, you’re not even wet,” Wimpy screamed, jabbing a finger into Letterman’s armpit.

The babbling eventually got around to Wimpy’s head. Letterman asked why he shaved it. “Why not?” came the response. “No expensive haircuts, no shampoo. I ain’t got no dandruff. If the wind blew through here I wouldn’t have to comb my hair.”

By this time you had a hunch that wind might also blow through Wimpy’s ears.

Letterman: “Wimpy, did you notice when you first shaved your head that fire trucks were stopping next to you a lot?”

Wimpy didn’t get the fire hydrant joke. The lack of understanding was only slightly evident in his answer: “Geez, no, I didn’t notice no fire trucks, Dave. But I scared a few people away myself, you know?”

No, Wimpy, we haven’t a clue.

Back to Letterman’s jacket.

“You go taking your jacket off because you’re cold or hot or something like that,” Wimpy said. “I gotta be comfortable, too. Mind if I put my feet up here on the other chair?”

“No,” said a simmering Letterman, “let’s just leave your feet right where they are, OK?”

Later, Wimpy accused heavyweight contender Mike Tyson of being afraid to fight him. Wimpy has a pro record of 9-0. Most of his opponents would have had trouble punching a time clock, never mind a moving human being. Tyson is the hottest thing in boxing today, a human wrecking ball who most experts figure is within a year of being crowned heavyweight champion.

“Mike Tyson, you’re runnin’ from me,” he shouted. “I’m looking for you, Mike. You’re ducking me.”

The only time Mike Tyson would duck Wimpy Halstead would be inside a boxing ring. And Tyson would be ducking only to avoid having Wimpy’s unconscious body strike him as it fell to the floor.

Throughout the brief interview, Letterman made comments that indicated he wanted to make it an even briefer interview, subtle things like, “You know, Wimpy, I know of a place very near here where they’re giving away free beer.”

Eventually, Letterman got Wimpy off the air by forcing a commercial. But not before what was perhaps the best exchange of all.

“Let’s talk about boxing,” Wimpy said. “What is it about boxing that I can learn you on?”

Letterman smiled broadly and moved in for the kill. “Well, Wimpy, we all know there’s plenty of stuff about boxing that I need to be learned on.”

Moments later, Wimpy was gone. If Letterman has his way, Wimpy’s next appearance on his show will be during the segment where Letterman drops things off a five-story building. Wimpy will likely be cast as one of the things.