THE CLOWN & CLOWNETTES OF THE YEAR

Rock years are either good, bad or ugly. This one actually was a good one, with lots of exciting new bands surfacing and adventuresome old warriors making the circuit again.

As luck would have it, pop music still has a few clown princes and princesses--at least enough to provide us with our yearly round of dubious achievements and inglorious moments.

A few classics:

Wacko of the year: To Michael Jackson, who didn’t make a new record, but came to a pop concert wearing a gauze mask, to the opening of his “Captain EO” Disneyland spectacular disguised as an old lady and who even installed a pressurized oxygen chamber in his home, telling the National Enquirer “I believe if I treat my body properly I’ll live to be at least 150.”

Warmonger of the year: To songwriter Allee Willis, whose Pointers Sisters hit, “Neutron Dance,” was denounced in Pravda this fall as the work of a “nuclear gravedigger” and “a self-declared priest of nuclear art.”

Best use of a pop song of the year: To the late Oakland drug lord Felix Wayne Mitchell, described by law-enforcement officials as a “low-life scumbag,” whose elaborate funeral this fall concluded with the playing of Sade’s “Smooth Operator.”

Celebrity endorsement of the year: To Carl Perkins, who signed a deal with Reebok to help publicize a new line of blue suede shoes.

Liberated male of the year: Heavy-metaler Ron Keel, who insisted that his band is into older women these days. “A lot of times at hotel parties, I’ll see these 14-year-old virgins, and I tell them to go home. I give them cab money so they don’t end up with one of the roadies.”

Liberated female of the year: To feminist attorney Gloria Allred, who complained that Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” hit encourages teen-agers to have babies instead of abortions, saying: “Madonna has the responsibility to make another record supporting the opposite point of view.”

Quote of the year, Part I: After being indicted by a federal grand jury on three counts of racketeering and extortion, Roulette Records president Morris Levy told a Times reporter: “The only thing I know about organized crime is my five ex-wives.”

Drag queen of the year: To Sandi Easton, ex-husband of pop star Sheena Easton, who is working the London club circuit as a female impersonator. Billed as “The Other Sheena,” he does a drag version of his ex-wife, saying “If any man can do Sheena, I can, because I know her best.”

Shortest visit to the Betty Ford Center of the year: To Jerry Lee Lewis, who according to his manager, walked out of the drug rehabilitation center after only a week of treatment because “he didn’t like getting up at 6 a.m. . . . and ‘cause he didn’t like doing chores.”

Secret document of the year: Richard Nixon’s recently released presidential papers contained a record of his 1970 meeting with Elvis Presley, who told the President that the Beatles were “a real force for anti-American spirit” and asked to be named “a federal agent at-large” to fight drug abuse.

Jukebox of the year: The day after country singer Johnny Paycheck was convicted of shooting a patron in a Hillsboro, Ohio, bar, tavern owner Ernie Turner took all of Paycheck’s records off his club’s jukebox. Turner said publicity about the shooting had hurt his business.

Outfit of the year: A Bruce Springsteen evening ensemble that featured camouflage pants, denim sneakers and a tweed jacket, which prompted Chicago Bears superstar Walter Payton to remark: “He looks OK if he’s going to a duck blind.”

Prediction of the year: To Rod Stewart, who said in May of his upcoming album (which barely cracked the Top 30 this summer): “This is probably the most uncommercial album I’ve ever made.”

Impostor of the year: To Robert Hill, a 26-year-old Ocean City, Md., resident who posed as Ready for the World band member Willie Triplett earlier this year. Hill was finally apprehended after he sang the group’s hit “Oh Sheila” at several local clubs, passed bad checks and married a local girl, convincing her parents to give him a car as a wedding present.

Column item of the year: To Variety’s Army Archerd, who reported that blues man Muddy Waters (who died in 1983) was among the guests at a wedding reception for Sammy Davis Jr.’s daughter this summer.

Most embarrassing socialist behavior of the year: To Polish rockers Lady Pank, who were arrested after band members showed up intoxicated, shouted obscenities and disrobed in public at a children’s day concert this summer in Wroclaw, Poland.

Best David Crosby impression of the year: Ike Turner, who was arrested for cocaine possession in January while awaiting a March preliminary hearing on a drug possession charge from the previous year.

Hypester of the year: To Sigue Sigue Sputnik’s Tony James, who boasted earlier this year that none of his band members could play a note before he hired them. “We looked terrific,” he said. “Teaching someone to play drums is easy. Teaching someone to have charisma is practically impossible.”

Tour slogan of the year: to Fishbone, whose 1986 American jaunt was dubbed the “Bone in the U.S.A.” tour.

Snub of the year: To the Hollywood Walk of Fame Committee, who passed over rock immortal Chuck Berry and gave Hollywood stars to the Fifth Dimension, the Everly Brothers and Tina Turner instead.

Lead of the year: Reviewing the new solo albums by Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey earlier this year, Creem magazine critic Craig Zeller opened with: “Unlike Led Zeppelin, the Who didn’t have the good sense to call it a day when their drummer died.”

Swelled head of the year: To Queen’s Freddie Mercury, who denied reports of an impending band break-up earlier this year by saying: “When you’re this big, you’d be mad to give it up.”

Quote of the year, Part II: Chaka Khan on her bizarre behavior: “There’s a thin line between genius and insanity. People who say I’m a genius have probably mistaken genius for madness.”

Birthday present of the year: to MCA chief Irving Azoff, who climaxed his feud with rock manager Michael Lippman by sending a live boa constrictor to his 40th birthday party.

Christmas card of the year: To Columbia Records, whose card got into the holiday-hype spirit by touting a new single from Hipsway, a new band on the label.

Best excuse for leaving a band of the year: To Duran Duran drummer Roger Taylor, who left the group, according to ex-Duranie Andy Taylor: “Because he was mentally ill. He’s fine now, but he doesn’t want to get ill again.”

Best excuse for leaving the stage this year: Jazzster Branford Marsalis ended his show here at 11 p.m., saying he had to get up early the next morning to take his 1-year-old son to Disneyland.

I love L.A. remark of the year: To rock poet Jim Carroll, who while in L.A. making demos for a new album, remarked: “I hate this place--I hate it worse than Richard Nixon. There are so many geeks out there. Plus, I don’t drive.”

Most embarrassing chart performance of the year: To Paul McCartney’s flop single, “Press,” which did so poorly this fall that as it was dropping off the charts, it was passed by a re-release of the Beatles’ 1964 hit, “Twist and Shout.”

Tribute of the year: From pugnacious actor Sean Penn, who in his liner notes to a collection of unreleased Phil Ochs songs, dubbed the late folk singer: “My favorite all-time fighter.”

Anti-piracy slogan of the year: To discourage listeners from home-taping its new records, contemporary Christian music label Amazing Grace Records put the following warning label on its new albums: “Wouldn’t making copies of this record violate the eighth commandment?”