ENDTITLES

Heard of “Chariots of Fur,” “Altered Steaks” and “Who Is Killing the Great Monks of Europe”?

Or “Megafarce,” “Quest for Carnal Knowledge” and “Sylvester the Duck”?

If they sound vaguely familiar, it is because they are alternate titles for movies known by other names. The alternates, created by Hollywood wags for cocktail sniping, use bits and pieces from titles and themes for mocking purposes.

It’s cruel. And you can join in:

“Chariots of Fur” was the alternate for “Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan,” which was directed by the same person (Hugh Hudson) who directed “Chariots of Fire.”

“Altered Steaks” was the alternate for “Endangered Species,” based on the mysterious nocturnal mutilation of cattle.

“Who Is Killing the Great Monks of Europe?,” the alternate for “Name of the Rose,” works the same way. It takes the theme of a new movie (“Name of the Rose” is a medieval mystery about serial killings in a monastery) and plugs it into the title of “Who Is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe?”

“Megafarce,” for “Megaforce,” was easy. Almost any movie directed by Hal Needham is a farce--and with a budget of more than $30 million, this was his mega biggest.

“Quest for Carnal Knowledge” (regular game players will spot the euphemism) is a title said to have been coined by one of the principals involved in “Clan of the Cave Bear,” which mates the chief preoccupation of “Clan” with the last prehistoric, “Quest for Fire.”

“Sylvester the Duck,” for the Sylvester Stallone flop “Over the Top.” This one blends Sly’s fiasco with the George Lucas bomb “Howard the Duck.”

Studios and film makers often make sure there are no alternates by giving them alternates to begin with: Columbia put out two clinkers named “A Fine Mess” and “Big Trouble.” Can’t improve on those.

Sometimes, the title mocks itself. Remember John Travolta’s “Perfect”?

In the Hollywood pantheon, producer David O. Selznick is said to have come up with “Lust in the Dust” as an alternate for his own 1946 Western “Duel in the Sun.” Paul Bartel actually used it for his raunchy 1985 Western spoof, starring Divine as a prairie hooker--and that, in turn, was nicknamed “Sluts in the Sun.”

There’s always room for more alternates. Send your contributions to Calendar Outtakes, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053.