MOVIE REVIEW : ‘JOCKS’: IT’S, LIKE, ABOUT TENNIS, VEGAS AND STUFF

Dear Dude,

Hope you’re feeling better after catching that surfboard in the head. We went to the movies anyway and saw “Jocks” (citywide), mostly ‘cause there was such a long line for “River’s Edge.” What a mistake, man. It’s a total loser, worse than even “The Whoopie Boys,” which we always thought was as low as you could go.

It’s about a bunch of goofball tennis players who get their act together just in time to win some big Las Vegas tournament. We still figured we couldn’t go wrong ‘cause the girl in the ads is so hot, but guess what--she’s not even in the movie!

Anyway, the stars of the team are the Kid (Scott Strader) and Jeff (Perry Lang). The Kid’s kinda like you, dude--all he does is guzzle brewskies and troll for chicks. Jeff’s real straight (Diet Pepsis on the rocks, ya know), so he gets kinda worried when the Kid borrows his tuition money and goes off gambling in Vegas.

The rest of the tennis team are all wackos--they’re like the baby brothers of those guys in “Animal House.” The Ripper (Donald Gibb) is always tearing up the place like he’s Belushi or something. Then there’s a Chicano guy who’s always praying in Spanish before his match and a black dude who dresses like Prince.

I’m a little hazy on the rest of the plot, but then the guy who directed the movie seemed pretty confused too--maybe he got hit by a racket when they were shooting the tennis scenes. I don’t think he could make up his mind whether to go for the party action (really old stuff, like a topless strip-poker game) or comedy routines (the lame sex jokes about gays and transvestites).

There’s this one cute girl, Nicole (Mariska Hargitay), who has the hots for the Kid and warns him when the rival tennis team tries to fix the match. But if they’d made her part of the story, it might have been half-way interesting. She could maybe be this star of the girls’ team who blows him off the court so easily that he realizes he’s got to get serious for the big match.

I’ll bet it was really a cheapo picture--you can see that their Vegas campus hangout was the Palomino Club, ‘n’ you can even see the sign in all the shots. Anyway, just hope they never show “Jocks” (Rated-R for nudity and profanity) on an airplane. ‘Cause then you’d have to stay for the end! Feel better, OK? Later, dude.

Your pal.