TWO ACTRESSES GETTING ON WITH THEIR LIVES

Jean Stapleton and Marion Ross were sitting around a hotel room talking about children and careers, happiness and insanity.

The insanity has to do with their current roles--as homicidal sisters Abby and Martha Brewster--in a revival of Joseph Kesselring’s “Arsenic and Old Lace” (opening Wednesday at the Wilshire).

The happiness also has a lot to do with being in this long-running production: Stapleton, 62, originated her role on Broadway 13 months ago; Ross, 58, joined the tour in December.

“I’m at a point where if they call up and say, ‘Can you do this?,’ I’m free to,” said Ross. “Certain times in your life you cannot just pick up and go away for six months. But now my children are grown and I’m single. So this is wonderful. Actually, it’s my first time on the road, and I did wonder if I might get lonely moving around and being in a hotel room. But by the time we do (interviews), meet people, do a show--sometimes two--when I get to my beautiful hotel room, puleez , I’m so glad to be by myself.”

Added Stapleton (whose other Broadway credits include “Damn Yankees,” “Bells Are Ringing” and “Funny Girl”), “I would not choose to tour every year of my life; it’s very tiring. And I toured a lot in my career--a lot. But I had the blessing of being married to someone also in the theater (the late producer/director William Putch).

“He’d go to Pennsylvania (their Totem Pole Playhouse) early, and I’d follow him when my (‘All in the Family’) hiatus began. When my children were very small, it often happened that if I had a tour, he was home. And when he had a tour, very often I was home. When we both weren’t home, we had help. And we did it. You have to go into a partnership like that with a lot of trust that matters will work out.

“There’s a myth about women, career and home: that it’s one or the other and you have to make a choice,” she said. “Well, it’s never black and white--it’s all gray. But I’m glad I married late, because I’d established a plateau in my career that was very sound, that you couldn’t turn your back on. Of course, my opportunity to marry didn’t come before that anyway.”

It was different for Ross.

“I didn’t want to be deprived of having everything that everyone else had: a home, children,” said the actress (whose stage work includes a recent stint at the Old Globe in “Catsplay” and “Summer and Smoke.”) “I was 23 when I was under contract to Paramount--and I was married. I remember people saying, ‘You might have to make some compromises here.’ I said, ‘I won’t. I want to be married, I want to do this.’ I was determined.

“Now I have being a grandmother, all of that, ahead of me too. I’m grounded, have a home base in Los Angeles, but from there I’d like to think globally, not just bicoastally. If they say, ‘We’re going to make a picture or take this play,’ I’m free, free as a bird. I want to live this big life, have a wonderful time. I don’t think that’s asking too much. I think that’s exactly the way life’s supposed to be. I’m an optimist--and I love what I’m doing.”

With good reason. After years of hard work, and two very successful series (“All in the Family” ran for 8 1/2 years, “Happy Days” for 11), both women have industry respect public adulation and, according to Ross, “lots of money in the bank.” On the other hand, such a high degree of television fame (neither actress refers to her former show by name, only as “the series”) often carries its own price tag.

“I can understand the value the series has given me,” Ross said. “It’s given me marketability. I’m appreciative of that. But it doesn’t worry me that people are going to think that’s all I can do. Even some of the reviewers say, ‘Oh, TV actors . . . ‘ It honestly doesn’t occur to me that I’m limited by that. Actually, I’m sort of amused. I know all the things I can do, and I don’t feel locked in. I don’t have very much to prove. So I don’t mind people coming and calling me ‘Mrs. C’ (her “Happy Days” character), not knowing my name. It doesn’t hurt me; it just doesn’t matter.”

“I am ever grateful for the series,” seconded Stapleton. “I wouldn’t be doing this tour if it weren’t for that--or have had so many diverse opportunities since I left. It was 8 1/2 years of a wonderful, growing experience, a very joyous time. However, one of the reasons I’m not going to talk about the series is because it isn’t going on now. It was seven years ago--like Marion, I live in the present.

“I’m not often called ‘Edith’ anymore,” she added. “That’s something that developed because of my stand, being on talk shows, helping to educate people that there are two identities when they look at the screen: the actor/actress and the role they’re doing. A child wants to be called by his own name. So I correct them; I say ‘My name is Jean.’ ” When they don’t appreciate the difference? “I’m sorry they’re so ignorant. But I’m growing to be much nicer about it.”

For such a fiercely private person, being such a public figure has always been a difficult proposition. “In high school,” Stapleton recalled, “I was the last person you’d ever believe would have gone into theater. I was unattractive, overweight and painfully shy. Also, being a child of the Depression--and we were very poor--I knew that nothing would be handed to me. So right out of high school, I went to work: as a typist, then a secretary--and I did the other (acting) at night.”

“We are so fortunate to always be working,” Ross said. “But I must say, I’m a very hard worker--and I take full responsibility for my career. I don’t believe in luck, so I just see that it keeps going. One job leads to the next, and I always try to be as excellent as possible. These things don’t just happen. They are built steadily: by the kind of work you do, the kind of person you are. I intend to be here forever, have a long career, cover the whole spectrum of my life.”

That includes the inevitable career/personal low points. “I’m a very spiritual kind of person,” she said. “That’s the way I was raised. When I talk to young people now, I say, ‘You’ve got to have a core of you that’s straight and strong and thinking right.’ I remember I’d sometimes look at my mother and think ‘I’ll never be as wonderful as her.’ But finally I did grow up; I did become as wonderful.”