Old Golfers Just Lose Their Bearings

In his new book, “Confessions of a Hooker,” Bob Hope tells the one about the old-timer who could hit the ball pretty well but couldn’t see where it went. Consequently, he had a hard time getting a game.

One day, the pro told him: “Charlie, I’ve got just the right partner for you. Tom’s about your age and he’s got eyes like a hawk.”

So the two oldsters got together. On the first tee, Charlie hit his drive, turned to Tom and said, “Did you see it?”

Tom: “Yes.”

Charlie: “Where did it go?”

Tom: “I forgot.”

Add Hope: Some one-liners from the book:

On Perry Como: “One day we were all complimenting Perry about keeping his head down until we realized he’d fallen asleep.”

On Phil Harris: “Phil was once five up on Dean Martin--and they hadn’t even left the bar.”

On Dean Martin: “Dean doesn’t drink liquor anymore. He drinks Windex. He gets an awful hangover but his eyes are so clear.”

On George Burns: “When George turned 80 he said, ‘I can do all the things today I did at 18 . . . which tells you how pathetic I was at 18.’ ”

On Jan Stephenson: “I asked her how she likes my game and she said, ‘Well, it’s OK, but I still prefer golf.’ ”

More Hope: Calling golf a hard game to figure, he says: “One day you’ll go out and slice it, shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.”

Trivia Time: Who holds the major league record for most strikeouts in a season by a switch-hitter? (Answer below.)

Keith Moreland of the Chicago Cubs, on teammate Andre Dawson: “I expect the phone to ring anytime and someone at the other end to say, ‘You can’t have Andre anymore. He’s been called up to a higher league.’ ”

Reggie Jackson, on Oakland pitcher Curt Young, who is 7-3: “He’s the closest I’ve seen to a left-handed Catfish Hunter. Hitters swing good against him, don’t feel overmatched but come away 0 for 4. We call him Clark Kent. He looks like he should be working upstairs as an office clerk, but when it’s his day to pitch, he sneaks into a phone booth and turns into Superman.”

John Elway, because of his rifle arm and ability to scramble, has been compared to Terry Bradshaw, but John Brodie told Todd Phipers of the Denver Post: “Bradshaw wasn’t a good player for eight years. John was a great player coming out of college.

“Bradshaw had a great team around him, which allowed him to exhibit his skills over a period of time, and Bradshaw got better and became great. But John is the one responsible for his team playing better.

“That’s harder to do.”

Add Phipers: He said he saw the following written on a wall:

First correspondent: “Jesus is the answer.”

Second correspondent: “What is the question?”

Third correspondent: “Who is Matty’s and Felipe’s brother?”

Trivia Answer: Gary Pettis of the Angels, with 132 in 1986. That broke the record of 126 set by Mickey Mantle in 1959.

Quotebook

Bill Laimbeer of the Detroit Pistons, on his fine of $5,000 for body-slamming Larry Bird: “All it means is that my wife will get a potted plant instead of a diamond necklace for our anniversary in August.”