My profound condolences are offered to Zan Dubin and David Johnston for their recent disillusionment in the wonderful world of art collection ("Caveat Emptor," June 14). But the price of beauty is high, and someone must pay for it.

And, of course, you never know whether what you have hanging on your wall, or standing in your foyer, is truly beautiful, or only apparently beautiful. That is where our service comes in.

We will tell you whether you are looking at something beautiful or not, whether it is meaningful, whether it should inspire awe, deep feeling--or regret. We can coach you on how to stand before a canvas when you are not really sure, and nod with great significance or shake your head slowly.

I have enclosed a blank CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY, already signed by me but lacking our official seal. You need only fill in your name, or that of a close friend, and return it to me with your check for $25,000. We will give the CERTIFICATE our official seal, and send it back to you by return mail. You will then be the sole owners (or your lucky friends) of the Brooklyn Bridge.


Chief Authenticator


Authentic Authenticities,

Gold Bricks, etc.

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