Funny Bats, Baseballs Not New

In the year of scuffed baseballs and corked bats, Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe asked former umpire Hank Soar if he had to deal with such nonsense. Turns out he did.

Said Soar: “One time Dom DiMaggio came up during that 34-game hitting streak and he wanted to keep using his bat, which was splintered at the end. He had so many little nails in it, it looked like a pin cushion. I couldn’t let him use it.

“I always knew when the pitchers were loading them up. And you know what I did? I’d fire the ball back at them on one hop so it hit them in the shins.

“One time Sam McDowell was doing it. That SOB didn’t need any help, he threw so hard. I told him if he did it again I’d break his arm off at the root.

“And Whitey Ford. He’d pick up the resin bag with the ball in his hand and scrape the ball in the dirt. I’d tell him, ‘No,’ and he’d say, ‘Hank, I’ve got to have it,’ and I’d say, ‘Whitey, you’re making more money than me.’ ”

Terry Donahue, please note: Utah State Coach Chuck Shelton had this to say about Neil Smith and Lee Jones of Nebraska: “They might be the two fastest defensive tackles in America. I don’t know if any are faster. I know this, if Smith was at Utah State, he’d be a tailback.”

Said Smith, 6-5 and 260: “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell Coach Osborne for two years.”

Trivia Time: In the poem “Casey at the Bat,” what position does Casey play? (Answer below.)

They call them ballpersons. They make only $3.35 an hour and their work often is unappreciated, but they keep coming back at the U.S. Open.

Steve Lazarou has been coming back for 10 years, and he isn’t sure why. He told Pat Calabria of Newsday: “Take Carling Bassett. She’s so condescending. She gets annoyed if you don’t do everything perfect. She’s got an attitude.

“Tracy Austin was like that. One time after a match, she asked me to get her a cup of Gatorade, so I did. She takes it and says to me, ‘Can’t you put ice in it?’ I did that, and then she said, ‘Are your hands clean?’ Really.”

From Cliff Hagan, athletic director at the University of Kentucky: “I resent it when I read in the papers, ‘Cliff Hagan was unavailable for comment.’ I’m always available for comment, even if the comment is ‘no comment.’ ”

In Tuesday’s item on Lou Holtz, did you wonder if he really shot a hole-in-one this year or just said he did to make a good story better?

From the Notre Dame press book: “Irish Coach Lou Holtz notched his first hole-in-one on March 21, the day before spring practice opened, by using a 4-iron on the par-3, 170-yard third hole at Elcona Country Club in Elkhart, Ind. He finished with a 77, despite a double-bogey on the final hole.”

Trivia Answer: Nobody knows. Ernest Thayer, who wrote the poem, didn’t give him a position. Could Casey have been the first designated hitter?

Quotebook

Harold Reynolds of the Seattle Mariners, on his bid to win the American League stolen base title: “I could win it if I get on base more often. Oh, what the heck, I’ll win it, anyway.”