They Were Just Kidding, but It Turns Out the Joke Is on Them

Random notes jotted down while cooling out during the National Football League All-Star break:

Whew. I guess all us baseball fans and sportswriters aren’t as stupid as we look.

The baseball commissioner and the team owners swore to us that the reason free agents such as Tim Raines and Jack Morris weren’t being courted and signed was because the owners had all come to the conclusion, independently and simultaneously, that they needed to exercise more fiscal restraint.

It turns out they were just kidding us. They really did kind of get together and sort of decide not to sign Raines and his band of roving free-agent troublemakers, in order to discourage free agency.

But we’ll forgive Peter Ueberroth and his red-white-and-blue collusion crew, because we know they only had our best interests at heart.

In the three-figure heat of Florida, seven games into the first set, Jimmy Connors defaults a tennis match to a 17-year-old, claiming exhaustion. Old age--35--must be hell.

Our sympathies, Jimbo, but this doesn’t do much for the old “bulldog” image.

My early pick for sportsman of the year: Ben Johnson.

After beating Carl Lewis and setting a world record in the 100 meters at the World Championships, Johnson ducks Lewis at several meets and even tries to have Lewis banned from them. Johnson shoves a reporter who suggests that Johnson might be doing the duck.

In one European meet, Johnson learns Lewis is scheduled to run against him in the 100, so he has the promoter stage a special 60-meter race, with no Carl. The report I get is that if Lewis had decided to drop down to the 60-meter race, Johnson was prepared to insist on a 20.

Then Johnson explains his recent sub-par performances: “The world record took a lot out of me. I’m very tired from that race.”

Hey, Ben, next time let’s run that 100 with relay teams. And does this mean we can count you out of the marathon for the ’88 Olympic Games?

Our sympathies, Ben, but this doesn’t do much for the old “bulldog” image.

Sure, a lot of people are joking about the season-ending weekend series between the Dodgers and Padres in San Diego. But seriously, this could be a great series.

No, seriously .

The intensity will be at a playoff level. The Dodgers haven’t finished last since 1905. The Padres haven’t finished last since 1981. The teams traditionally hate one another. And with so much potential embarrassment at stake, the managers will be pulling out all the stops. It will be a real chess match between Larry Bowa and Tom Lasorda.

OK, checkers.

Martina Navratilova beats Steffi Graf for the U.S. Open title, after which Steffi reveals that she played with a cold, and says, “I was not 100% today.”

Listen, Steffi, I can relate to that. But this doesn’t do much for the old “bulldog” image.

Angel General Manager Mike Port blasts his rapidly sinking Angels, saying: “They’re lacking something inside.”

Inside what? The front office? Their bats?

When you find out what’s lacking inside, Mike, can we examine the X-rays, since we don’t trust you baseball management guys as much as we did yesterday?

A predicted sports story for 1995: “NCAA Orders UCLA Athletic Department to Disassociate Super Booster Sam Gilbert.”

In Baltimore, Oriole Manager Cal Ripken Sr. benches shortstop-son Cal Jr., ending Junior’s 8,243-inning iron-man streak. Dad explains: “I wanted everybody to stop writing about it. Everywhere we go, somebody has to write an article about the streak.”

You took care of that nettlesome bunch of media creeps, Dad. And I like the way you did the same thing earlier in the season with writers who were writing stories about what a nice ballclub the Orioles had.

At Anaheim Stadium Sunday, fights break out in the stands. A fan pours ice water over the head of John Robinson. Another fan, celebrating a Viking touchdown, falls out of an upper deck and lands on a fan below. (Wouldn’t a simple high-five have been sufficient, pal?)

Do you think the fans might have downed a frosty brew or two?

Naaaaa.

Last add: Collusion conclusion.

The only happy baseball owner right now must be George Steinbrenner, who is no longer the lone ranger. Now there are 25 other convicted liars.

Phil Garner, a Los Angeles Dodger for the last month or so, says of his new home and of the overall bad attitude of his team, “This is la-la land. It’s ‘Let’s make excuses and not face reality’ out here.”

Yo Phil, like, why do you think we all love this place so?