Marriage of Inconvenience : Separations Leave Sailors’ Wives to Cope With Navy Blues

The statue near the entrance to the Seabee base in Port Hueneme portrays an age-old Navy story:

The strong sailor stands tall, shoulders squared. His stoic, stone face is turned away from his mate, presumably toward that foreign shore awaiting him. The woman, a picture of grief, slumps, her eyes cast at her feet.

But the true story is that most Navy wives feel relieved when their husbands go off to sea, counselors who have studied enforced separation say. In fact, many Navy wives feel more like throwing punches than kisses at their husbands right before they leave, and many relate that homecoming is more stressful than blissful.

These are not signs of marital discord, but means to cope with the stresses of long separation, says Kathleen Logan, a Navy wife for 16 years and a marriage and family counselor in Norfolk, Va. Her studies have been integrated into Navy counseling programs across the country. Earlier this year, Logan’s studies on the changes in Navy wives’ behavior during long separations from their husbands were published in Naval Institute Proceedings, a monthly journal that delves into technical exotica involving submarine tactics or the balance of power.

She explored a set of contradictory, sometimes overpowering, feelings known as “the deployment syndrome” or, in everyday Navy parlance, “the cruise blues.”

The latest group cast into domestic limbo are the 65 wives of the “Operation Deepfreeze” squadron, which embarked this month from Point Mugu for a 5 1/2-month tour in Antarctica. And the five Seabee battalions at Port Hueneme, which leave for stretches of from seven to eight months, are in a virtually continual cycle of arrival and departure.

The blues are built into the system.

Navy members generally rotate between three years of shore duty and three years of sea duty. Although sea duty doesn’t necessarily entail time aboard a ship, it does mean being away from home for three to nine months at a crack.

Navy wives whose husbands are gone for such long periods can expect to go through a series of emotional stages that are often baffling, said Logan, who studied 341 wives married to seagoing naval personnel. Her work on the subject and the Navy’s use of it mark a change in official attitudes toward domestic problems that can affect on-the-job performance.

Most of the study concerns males and their spouses, even though women sailors are now accepted in the Navy and serve on noncombat ships.

While there are a few women deployed with the men in Antarctica, they are not viewed as a serious threat by Navy wives.

Since the end of World War II, the Navy has evolved from a “single man’s force to a married man’s force,” said Meg Falk, head of the Navy’s Family Service Center headquarters in Washington.

Excess Baggage

Many of the Navy’s family programs were developed after a 1981 study showing “spouse satisfaction” was the single most important factor in retention, Falk said.

“We have a saying here that we recruit singles, but we retain married couples,” she said. The Navy realized that “providing family services was real smart.”

Until recently, the Navy left families to wrestle on their own with the trauma of separation and other hardships of military life, or expected them to find support from wives groups or church groups.

“The old saying was, if a sailor was meant to have a family, he would have been issued one with a sea bag,” said Capt. Albert Stott, senior chaplain at Port Hueneme who, in the early 1970s, did some of the first sociological studies on Navy family life.

“The Navy has come a long way,” Stott said, citing the establishment of programs since 1980 providing counseling to families in areas ranging from suicide prevention to financial planning. Wives of Deepfreeze sailors who have attended programs explaining deployment syndrome said they were not alarmed when they found themselves provoking arguments with their husbands over subjects ranging from hedge trimming to diapering techniques.

“I turn into a real witch right before deployment,” said Sharon Smothers, a 13-year Navy wife and veteran of six deployments. “To see that someone had actually done a study on it was a relief. It’s not that I hate him, it’s not that I’m crazy, it’s not that I’m falling apart.”

The arguments are a healthy, albeit unpleasant, way to soften the blow of parting by putting emotional distance between the husband and wife, Logan says. The gap broadens again in the last few days before departure when most couples withdraw from each other even more, talking and confiding to each other less. Also, sailors who boast of 11th-hour love fetes with their wives are most likely telling sea stories.

“My husband expects me to be jumping all over his skin, but I wish we were sleeping in different beds and even in different bedrooms,” said a young Deepfreeze wife. “To go from being lovey-dovey one night to nothing at all for five months the next night--it’s just too tough for me.”

‘Just Go’

Those last few days are so tense and uncomfortable that, by the time the sailors leave, the wives usually feel relieved.

“I want to say to him, you’re leaving anyway, so pack your bags and just go,” Smothers said.

But that initial relief after saying goodby is followed by a few weeks of feeling adrift and disoriented as the wives reorganize their lives to fill the void.

“After he’s gone, there’s the adjustment of--oh my gosh, he’s really not coming home for supper,” said Penny Schuchardt, who has seen her husband off on eight missions to Antarctica.

About 90% of the wives make it through that stage to establish new routines, Logan said. They give up cooking real meals for “cruise food,” pay less attention to household chores, go out with women friends, shop more, spend more time with their children. Many take classes, earn degrees, devote more time to careers or take up special hobbies.

Also, most get a boost to their self-esteem and gain independence by handling all the chores and responsibilities their husbands may have taken care of before--from fixing the plumbing to selling the house.

However, about 10% of the wives do not get to this point, Logan said. “They withdraw, go into a shell, have no friends, no neighbors, no church, no family,” Logan said. “They are the ones who have problems and will need help.”

Even those who come to enjoy a sense of pride and independence find themselves mildly depressed and anxious throughout much of the separation.

“It’s a stretch,” said Bonnie Rector, wife of the commanding officer of the Deepfreeze squadron. “We’re fooling ourselves if we say this is wonderful. It’s not wonderful. Sure, I don’t stop and put dinner on the table; I get my remote control back. I realize, hey, I don’t have to shave my legs anymore--but we’d give it up in a heartbeat to have them home.”

A few weeks before the men return, most wives go into a flurry of activity, Logan said. “You look at that list of things you were going to do, and they aren’t done yet,” she said.

Schuchardt said she looks forward to the week before homecoming. “You’re cleaning things you never cleaned in five months, you give the kids a bath, let the dog out, wash the car, plan special meals,” she said. “I love that week.”

Along with the excitement, most wives are also pretty anxious about the big homecoming day.

“Coming home is almost the hardest part,” said Penny Ann Chaves, an officer’s wife who is facing her third separation in as many years of marriage. “It is the uncertainty--have you gained weight, do you look the same? You wonder if what you’ve bought or what you’ve done is acceptable.”

Instead of all problems melting away in the joy of that first homecoming clinch, many wives find it is as tough to make room for their husbands as it was to fill the void they left.

“I want to give him all the junk jobs,” Smothers said. “Sure you want to get back in the family again, I tell him. There’s the garbage to take out and gutters to clean.”

Sharing discipline again can be especially difficult, Smothers said. “I just want to scream--What are you saying to my daughter?”

And even though the couple may have had fantasies of a steamy reunion for months, they may well feel awkward when they are finally together.

“You almost feel as if you don’t know each other any more,” a young officer’s wife said. “He was looking forward to the big romance, but I thought, wait a minute, who are you?”

In fact, coming home can be so difficult that the Navy sends teams of specially trained professionals to units that have been deployed for long periods to give “homecoming briefings,” Stott said. Sailors are warned they might meet some resistance if they try to assume command at home too brusquely and give suggestions for easing back in.

Although no studies have been done on husbands, their experiences seem to parallel those of their wives, Stott said.

Before heading overseas, when many wives are nagging and ornery, their husbands tend to feel guilty about leaving their families and worry that they won’t get everything done on time.

“You’re concerned: Is the car tuned, is the yard work done, can I get back if there is an emergency, what if there is a financial problem, what happens to my kids if my wife gets ill?” said Chief Petty Officer Robin Torsky of the Deepfreeze squadron.

Coming back entails anxieties for the men, too. “Will the kids remember me, will they adjust to me, can I bring myself back into the role of family leader?” are some of the questions Torsky said he asks himself. “You always have certain amounts of jealousy. If the phone rings, and there’s a blank line, you find yourself wondering, realizing you have a very fragile hold on your family.”

About a month after homecoming, family routines have been re-established, and most couples feel comfortable again. Some families, however, do not make it through this strenuous cycle. Families that manage to stick together through one sea tour often elect to leave the Navy rather than face more separations.

Feeling of Sacrifice

Still others are rankled by the civilian community’s lack of sympathy and understanding of the effort it takes to stay in the Navy.

“It gets me mad because civilians figure that our relationship must not be as deeply felt, that it’s just a marriage of convenience,” said Kay Brownell, wife of an electronic warfare officer at Point Mugu. “I tell them it’s a sacrifice, it’s a choice, it’s a conviction to stay in the Navy.”

Many couples who do go through the long separations and come out with their families and psyches intact, say their marriages--and characters--are strengthened by the experience.

“The major asset is that Randy and I almost never take each other for granted,” Smothers said. “I find it exciting to see that person who walks through the door at the end of a deployment.”

“When and if he gets out and gets a job where he comes home every day, I wonder if I’ll be able to stand it. I would miss missing him.”