This Winter, Go Where Scalpers Don’t Care to Go

The XV Winter Olympics will begin in about six weeks--and I am absolutely convinced that there are not 5,000 citizens of the United States of America who are aware of this.

There are about 100 million who can tell you when and where the Super Bowl will be played, how many X’s there are in this year’s Roman numerals, how much the top-priced tickets are going for, and how many balloons will be released by grinning white kids at halftime.

When it comes to the Winter Olympics, though, very little is known in the southern portion of North America, and nothing whatsoever is known, incidentally, in the northern portion of South America.

I mean, let’s face it. Little kids in Venezuela do not care who wins the luge.

Up in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, however, this thing is a very big deal indeed. It’s the biggest thing in Calgary since the Stampede. It’s the biggest thing in Alberta since the Flames beat the Oilers. It’s the biggest thing in Canada since a trapper shot the world’s biggest beaver.

Here in the USA, we should be paying more attention. This could be the last Olympics of the 20th Century that we can drive to.

Forget San Diego. It’s a zoo. This winter, vacation in Calgary. You can still watch a great sports event in person, while refreshing yourself by drinking a cold Moosehead Lite.

The Super Bowl is all hype. The Winter Olympics is almost no hype. It’s hypeless. There is no big buildup beforehand. How do you have a buildup to bobsledding?

It occurs to me that Americans must have many questions about this year’s Winter Olympics. Possibly you cannot name one member of the U.S. team. Possibly you cannot even name the events. Possibly you think Alberta is someplace next to Nova Scotia.

Permit me to enlighten you:

The Opening Ceremony--There will be a parade of nations, plus the lighting of the torch. In the parade, team members will wear costumes representative of their nations. The 1984 Puerto Rican Winter Olympic team, George Tucker, wore a very nice outfit.

Be advised that the Opening Ceremony of the Winter Olympics does not necessarily open the Winter Olympics. It can take place almost anytime, sort of like the opening credits on a “Monty Python” TV show. By the time the U.S. hockey players were paraded at Sarajevo, Yugoslavia, they had already been beaten by Canada.

The Ski Jumps--These are events where two things can happen. You can land on your skis and score points. Or, you can land on your skis, then your head, then your skis, then your head, and end up in the “Wide World of Sports” opening reel.

The Biathlon--This is an event in which an athlete has to shoot a gun while on skis. Classifications this year include Browning automatic rifle, sawed-off shotgun, .44 Magnum handgun, Uzi automatic weapon, Saturday night special and derringer. Targets are cardboard cutouts of Toronto Blue Jays.

The Nordic Combination--This competition provides a double test, in cross-country skiing and ski jumping, for men of Scandinavian descent. In synchronized Nordic combination, the skiers have to grease their hair.

The Giant Slalom--Calgary, unfortunately, does not have a giant slalom. It has a big slalom, but not a giant one. A telethon tried to raise money to build a bigger slalom, but came up short. So, this year they’re just going to have a pretty big slalom.

The Luge--This is the event in which kids skid down hills on top of garbage-can lids. It is a sport for which athletes must endure minutes upon minutes of training. Competitors in this event are mostly people who suffered head injuries competing in other events.

Bobsleigh--Not to be confused with the bobsled, the bobsleigh is a long toboggan, equipped with a steering wheel and brakes, driven by two-person and four-person crews. This year’s models include front-wheel drive and AM-FM cassette. American team captain Leon Spinks recently drove his into the rear end of the Norwegian team bus.

Speed Skating--Wearing skin-tight uniforms made entirely of Velcro, and worn inside-out so that the Velcro sticks to the skin, these skaters are able to achieve amazing speeds in the 100 meters, 200 meters and intermediate hurdles.

Figure Skating--Probably the most popular and elegant of the Olympic events, this year’s competition features America’s Debi Thomas versus East Germany’s Katarina Witt for the right to play Snoopy in the 1989 Ice Capades.

Ice Dancing--Few can forget Great Britain’s Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean in their passionate ice dance to the strains of Ravel’s “Bolero.” This year, Torvill and Dean return for a shot at another gold medal, this time to Berry’s “Maybelline.”

Ice Hockey--The game that Europeans play with their feet and Americans play with their hands. The U.S. team has decided on its starting center, goaltender and defensemen, but still has openings at right enforcer and left goon.

One more thing: As a demonstration sport, Canadians are introducing the game of curling to this year’s Winter Olympics. The home team is expected to sweep this event.