No Smirking on Board : Humor Doesn’t Fly at USAir, So PSA’s Crew Must Clam, Not Ham, It Up

Here’s a message you probably won’t hear in an airliner much longer:

“Our Captain Leadfoot is a much better pilot than he is a driver, so we do request that you please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the plane comes to a screeching halt at the boarding gate and the captain signals you it’s time to bail by turning off the ‘Fasten Seat Belt’ sign.

“At that time, please check in the overhead compartments and the seat pockets for any personal problems or small children you may have placed there upon boarding.”

That was the soon-to-be-squelched voice of PSA flight attendant Marka McDougall, who has worked hard at keeping things light in the air, during a flight from San Jose to Los Angeles not long ago. She’s a stand-up stewardess, and this is her last hurrah.

On Saturday, USAir will complete its $385-million takeover of California’s pioneering commuter airline, and PSA will disappear. USAir’s managers do not think that McDougall’s shtick--or any impromptu interjections on routine safety matters--is very funny.

Flight attendants have done irreverent public address announcements at PSA for years. They say humor relieves the tedium of commuter flights, takes the edge off delays and makes frequent fliers pay more attention to their safety spiel rather than less.

USAir disagrees. “Our policy is that we discourage that sort of thing because the information is very serious and should be delivered in that vein,” said Dave Shipley, assistant vice president for public relations at USAir.

The policy might not fly well among longtime employees of PSA, which is known for the smiles painted on the nose cones of its airliners. The San Diego-based company has a long history of irreverence. “As long as the safety announcements are done in the right manner, we think a sense of humor is appreciated at a time that is perceived to be a hassle,” said Sherry Hendry, division vice president for in-flight and dining services at PSA.

McDougall, 25, who has developed and polished her delivery over the year and a half she has flown up and down California for the airline, thinks that the humor has a positive effect on passengers. “We’re supposed to become a more professional airline. Well, these people fly all the time, and they want it,” she said. “It puts them in a good mood.”

On the flight from San Jose the PSA jet had stood on the ground before takeoff for half an hour, waiting for a gate to clear in Los Angeles. The mood inside the plane was as gray as the fog outside. Then the engines revved up, and McDougall went into her routine.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you aboard Flight 1733 on our way to Seattle.” A gasp rolled through the cabin. “Just kidding. I wanted to see if you were listening.

“If you are traveling with infants or small children, or anyone resembling a small child, place your mask on first, then assist the child--providing they’ve been good. And now, for those of you who have not been in a car since 1962, we’re going to show you how to fasten your seat belts.”

About half an hour later, she went on: “We have some good news. The captain has located Los Angeles. At this time we do request, once again, please fasten your seat belts and bring your tray tables to their full upright and uncomfortable position, and there is no smoking allowed at this time. It is an FAA regulation as well as an NFL rule that all cups, glasses, American Express cards and gold Rolex watches are made available at this time for flight attendant collection.”

Some passengers don’t get it. A PSA consumer affairs supervisor said the airline receives two to three complaints a year about the funny announcements but “about 100,000 times that many compliments.” Not wanting to risk any complaints, the airline’s major competitors in California already ban humor.

“We tell our attendants to play it straight,” said Jack Killian, manager of flight attendants at Alaska Airlines. Observed Vince M. Durocher, Delta Airlines’ district director of marketing: “It’s not our policy to be funny. You never know what’s going to offend a lot of people.”

It is easy to see why McDougall’s routine might provoke a response. It can be startling to the infrequent flier. Just before landing, she turned on the microphone and began to speak again: “Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you to Bora Bora. But instead, we’ll welcome you to Los Angeles.”

McDougall, who said about 10% of her fellow attendants try to get a laugh, admitted that the rules of the game will change after PSA--which currently operates as an independent subsidiary of Arlington, Virginia-based USAir--ceases to exist.

“With USAir, we’ll be getting people who are taking a once-a-year trip,” she said. “They won’t get the jokes. But it would be nice to have it at our own discretion.”

Shipley, the USAir spokesman, sees the change more broadly as a transcontinental culture clash.

“Different airlines are under different jurisdictions of FAA regional headquarters,” he said. “Sometimes the people in charge of those units just have different opinions.”