Bailiff Tries for Laughs From a Captive Audience

Have you heard the one about the gun-toting, tough-looking Traffic Court bailiff who tells jokes to help nervous defendants relax before the judge shows up to dispense fines and jail time?

Like the one about the woman accused of hitting a tree. She said she wasn’t guilty because she honked before her car smacked the tree.

Gary Hill admits that one didn’t happen, but it’s good for a few laughs from his audience, who waver between appreciating his humor and considering him a smart aleck.

Hill, 47, a sheriff’s deputy for two decades, admits that he occasionally gets a little too personal and caustic.

Like the one about the woman who was so fat Hill could hardly get the handcuffs on her wrists when she was escorted between jail and the court.

“You got a ticket here for being double-parked . . . and you didn’t even have a car,” Hill said. “It says you were sitting on the curb eating your lunch.”

Or the one about the woman who came to court dressed in a fur coat.

“I remember you,” Hill said. “I saw you the other day at Macys. You were shopping with Tammy Faye.”

Both the overdressed defendant and the fat woman laughed even though they were the butt of the jokes.

Hill mingles a little good advice with his humor, telling defendants that minor violations won’t go on their driving records if they attend an eight-hour traffic school.

“Some of you will be very excited by that,” Hill says. “It’s the first diploma some of you will have ever received.”

And then there’s the one Hill tells people who can’t make it to traffic school on Saturdays.

“Try their Sunday school,” he advises. “A little gospel. A little traffic. Jim Bakker teaches it. He’s out of work.”

He also notes that many people facing more serious charges often are eager to get into an adult work program instead of going to jail.

“Even if they’ve never worked a day in their life, they want to try,” Hill says.

And have you heard the one about the quality of food in Fresno’s jail?

“The men tell me the food is so bad that they pray after they eat,” Hill says.