Signs of the Times

Everyone knows by now that--at least by Donald Regan’s account--Nancy Reagan cleared “virtually every major move and decision the Reagans made” in advance with astrologer Joan Quigley. Which got us to thinking--wouldn’t it be great if we could hire Quigley to do the charts of our favorite pop stars?

Unfortunately, Pop Eye couldn’t afford such a heavyweight prognosticator. Instead we located Tom Hopke, an L.A. astrologer who doubles as a pop songwriter and musician. Here’s some excerpts from his horoscopes on today’s top stars:

Madonna: “Her best planet is Mars, and she’s in a Mars period from 1987 to 1994. This guarantees her superstardom, will give her a lot of new property (with the two business planets, Moon and Mercury, in the first house) and should give her a son soon!”

Sting: “He has the sensitive sign of Cancer rising, which gives him an anti-social nature, while Venus and Mars together is indicative of wealth, but also strong lust. . . . He’s at the height of his powers now, but things will wane from 1989 to 1991, and he has to be careful of some near-death experiences in this time as well.”

Bruce Springsteen: “He is born under Gemini rising, which is also the rising sign of the U.S. . . . From 1970 to 1986, he was in the major period of Jupiter, which is very strong in his chart--when someone has a powerful Jupiter, it indicates that they’ve done pious or charitable deeds in their past lives and are rewarded for it. . . . In 1986, he started a new major period, the period of Saturn, during which he ages fast.”

Michael Jackson: “He has the Moon in Gemini, which makes a person childlike, but full of creative thoughts and of questionable sexual character. Saturn aspects his Moon, which indicates great inquisitiveness but also makes one use up one’s good karma pretty fast.”

Elvis Presley: “He had a good chart. Jupiter and Sun being the planets that indicated his great fame. As for reincarnation, Jupiter aspecting the ascendant probably indicates that he has been reincarnated without much musical talent, but with an opportunity to teach or nourish people. Maybe he’s cooking at a vegetarian restaurant somewhere.”