THE NBA PLAYOFFS : Home-Court Advantage, Sure, but This Is Ridiculous

Many questions were asked in Tuesday night’s Lakers-Mavericks playoff game, and some of them were even answered. Such as:

Why can’t teams play on the road?

The Mavs look sensational in both games in Dallas. Tuesday night at the Forum they looked like a slow jackrabbit on the fast lane of the Interstate. What gives?

Who knows? This is the National Schizo League, that’s the only explanation. In Dallas, the Lakers are lucky to run off two points at a time. At home they run off 15 in the first quarter to blow the game open.

Both courts are made of hardwood. It’s not like this is golf, where you’re not sure where the sand and doglegs are. Or baseball, where the home team can water down the baselines.

Asked this question, Magic Johnson said, “You carry out your game plan a lot better at home than you do on the road.”

Oh.

Actually, what happened to the Mavericks was that when they flew into Los Angeles, the airline lost their game plan. A report was filed, a tracer put on it. The airline finally found a game plan and rushed it to the Forum at halftime, but it turned out to be the Philadelphia Phillies’ game plan.

In the huddle, Mark Aguirre was overheard asking John MacLeod, “Whattaya mean, ‘Take two and hit to right’?”

Mychal Thompson explained the Lakers’ attitude in this game.

“We just went out and played real forcefully,” Thompson said. “We played like a wife’s divorce lawyer--We went after everything.”

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, commenting on the home-court advantage, said, “Both teams have played much better at home, at least it appears so in this series.”

Kareem also noticed that the Laker Girls are female.

Does Magic have a hernia?

If so, every kid on the playground is going to want one. You’ll see kids call time out and run over and try to dead-lift a Chevy.

If I could play like that, I’d take a hernia. In fact, make mine a double.

Magic had 15 points and 20 assists. He threw passes that would have made Mike Scioscia blanch.

He threw two no-look passes to Kareem that were so tricky, when the Forum clean-up crew was working late Tuesday night, several Mavericks were still out on the court, looking for those basketballs.

Magic was at his friskiest. He was the top dog, big cheese, main man, leader of the band, head honcho, top banana. You get the idea.

In some games lately, Magic barely gets over midcourt on the fast break before trying to unload a pass. Tuesday he was driving the ball to the key, and beyond, where he causes real hernia-type problems for the defense.

In the postgame press conference, someone actually asked Magic, “About the groin injury, Magic. Where is it?”

That reporter was given a free copy of Gray’s Anatomy and a trophy for Question of the Night.

“It’s there,” Magic replied, not using a pointer.

What is the NBA doing to curb the epidemic of violence in the nation’s streets?

They’re bringing it indoors. In the first quarter, Dallas’ Sam Perkins took Byron Scott out of a fast break by swinging his left arm at Scott’s Adam’s apple. It looked like Pedro Guerrero going after a hanging curve.

Scott took a divot out of the floor with his cheek.

Perkins got off easy. He was given a personal foul and an ice hockey contract.

Magic said this little move woke the Lakers up. How do you thank a team for waking you up? Michael Cooper found a way in the second quarter when he body-slammed Derek Harper on a drive to the hoop with another neck hold you won’t find illustrated in the Boy Scout Handbook.

Cooper jumped right up and grinned in Harper’s face, just to show Derek there were no hard feelings. Uh huh.

As Mychal Thompson explained, “As they say in the Twilight Zone, you gotta expect the unexpected.”

Such as that quote.

What happened to Roy (Too Tall) Tarpley?

Hey, he was there. Only three rebounds in the first half, but this kid can’t carry his team every night. He’d get a hernia.

This time A.C. Green outplayed the Tarp. Averaging 6.3 rebounds a game in this series, A.C. garnered 10 caroms and tallied 16 markers.

And once again Green outglared the entire Dallas team. A.C.’s stare makes Jack Nicholson nervous.

What will happen Thursday night in the pivotal Game 6, back down there at Dallas?

Either the Lakers will get run off the court, as they were in Games 3 and 4, embarrassed to death in front of unfriendly and unsympathetic yahooing cowboys, or they’ll play like a team trying to reach the NBA finals and defend their honor, their title and Michael Cooper’s championship belt.