What They Really Meant to Say at Indy

A “boring Indy 500” is what your old English prof would call an oxymoron. A contradiction in terms, a pairing of circumstances that don’t go together, like military intelligence, fun diet or short visit from your mother-in-law.

An Indy 500 is like air travel. You’re either bored to death--or scared to death.

But, no matter how dull the driving, the drivers can always be counted on to liven up the postrace dialogue with their ingenious explanations of what really happened out there. I’m sure the idea for no-fault insurance developed from an underwriter overhearing the descriptions of mishaps from the authors of them at Indy.

He hears what they say, not what they know. In regular type will be the typical driver quote. In italics, what he really thinks:

Driver A: “Why did I hit the wall? I got below the line and got caught in some dirty air out there and the car just turned around on me and headed into the cement.”

“Hey! I’m 53 years old and I’m in a car doing 220 m . p.h . in heavy traffic. When you stop to think about it, what am I doing out here? This ain’t senior golf.”

Driver B: “Did I use up the car too much jumping on the lead and staying there? No. The car handled just the way we thought it would and I kept the boost high. I don’t think that blew the head gasket.”

“I kept that sucker up there because I wanted to pile up the lap money. I knew there was no way that bucket of rivets could last 500 miles on the back of a truck. I knew this thing would be hanging off a tow truck by Lap 50. Think of it -- a car you can’t even get a 500-mile warranty on. Anybody who’d pay $300,000 for a piece of junk like this, I’ve got some property down in Florida I’d like to sell them -- as soon as the tide goes out.”

Driver C: “Well, it’s nice to see an American engine win this thing for a change!”

“American engine? This thing’s about as American as a monocle. Or a goose-step. If it could talk, it’d sound like Margaret Thatcher. The last good American engine was on Fulton’s steamboat.”

Driver D: “I wasn’t prepared for the turbulence out there.”

“I’ll say I wasn’t! But it wasn’t the turbulence in the air that made me take back, it was the turbulence in my chest. My heart was pounding so fast it sounded like the New York Philharmonic. I suddenly thought, ‘If you guys want the front row all that bad, take it!’ You ever get caught in the middle of 32 suicidal maniacs diving for the same spot on the rail? Was I surprised when three cars crashed on the first lap? Yeah, I was surprised it wasn’t 33. I would have come in and quit but I was just as scared of pit row.”

Driver E: “The car was acting loose. It was all over the place.”

“Loose! I felt as if I were on a rubber raft going down the rapids. Now I know what independent suspension is. It means every wheel is independent of the steering wheel. It gives you the nice relaxed feeling you get in a falling elevator or stepping on a roller skate at the top of the stairs.”

Driver F: “Was I disappointed the race ended under the yellow? Well, you’d like to be racing. That’s more fun for the fans.”

“Are you kidding? I was leading the race, wasn’t I? And nobody can pass you under the yellow, can they? So, what do you think? I’m just sorry the yellow couldn’t have been on the last 150 laps or whenever I got the lead. YOU go be a hero. I’ll take the win -- and the money -- any way I can get it.”)

Driver G: “Was the race dull? Well, it might have seemed so from the seats. All those yellows, all those restarts.”

“Dull! Get outta here, you couch potato! If you think driving around all afternoon , 200 m . p.h . past cars ricocheting off walls or spinning under your rear wheels is dull, you must either be a jewel thief or on a bomb squad. Believe me, the short chute at Indy makes the L . A. Raiders look like a boys ‘ choir.

“ Courage is not a 6-foot putt for Bob Hope’s money, courage is coming within a half-inch of the wall -- for your life. If you think daring is passing from your own end zone, try passing Mario Andretti underneath coming out of Turn 2. Just remember, no matter how tough he is, Mike Tyson can’t set fire to you.”