Burnout at Camp Kee Tov-- There’s No Place Like Home

We were standing at the bus stop, we mothers of detention, waiting to send our children off to the slammer of summer day camp. Before the day was over, we would have on our conscience a day of enforced singing, hiking, nature study and--yes--lanyard making.

This camp, Camp Kee Tov, is operated by a synagogue, which does not mean that the camp features religious activities. We parents try to keep prayer out of the camps and the schools and on TV where it belongs.

These days, just as little Jewish and Muslim children attend YMCA camps, little Christians and Buddhists arrive in their Camp Kee Tov T-shirts with the familiar logo--pine trees and the Star of David. It is a popular camp because it is well run, overprotective and they don’t beat the kids.

Now most kids are happy to be going to this camp because it’s better than 12 straight weeks of “Days of Our Lives.” But apparently some kids just can’t handle it. On the third day of camp, I heard two mothers talking as they loaded their little Precious and little Darlin’ on the bus.

“Where’s your older son, Jesse?” asked Mom No. 1.

“Oh, he’s not coming,” said Mom No. 2. “He’s taking a mental health day.”

A mental health day! On the third day of day camp? And what exactly does a mental health day for a 7-year-old consist of?

Let’s see. We begin with a breakfast in bed of Froot Loops and Squeezit. Squeezit is the hot new cold drink from that nice, reassuring Betty Crocker lady. You suck it out of a pink plastic bottle, so it’s kind of like nursing off a Beverly Hills mother. And as it says on the label, “Kids love the taste of new Squeezit! Each delicious flavor contains 10% real fruit juice.”

After breakfast, it’s time for an hour of indoor skateboard therapy. That’s where little Jesse skateboards back and forth into the walls, letting out all those nasty aggressions that prevent him from being the best Jesse he can.

This is followed by several hours of cartoons. By identifying with powerful half-human, half-Lego animated psychopaths with names like Rebar and Turgor, Jesse finds his self-esteem renewed.

The afternoon will include an emergency visit to his child psychologist, a 7-year-old like himself, who wears a suit and fake beard and agrees with Jesse, “Your mom and dad are swine.”

On the way home, Mom stops at a McDonald’s drive-through--Jesse can’t handle the scene inside. After checking for drive-through shootings, he purchases a Happy Meal, eating only the fries and Coke and casting his McNuggets to the wind.

Returning home, Mom sets up the VCR with “Smurfs,” “Gummi Bears” and “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” Mom fears that “Pee-wee’s Playhouse” may trigger latency fantasies. But not to worry. As soon as she is out of the room, Jesse switches on “Santa Barbara” to see if Cruz is bagging Eden.

Everyone needs a mental health day now and then, and this one must have worked. The next morning Jesse was at the bus stop, relaxed and refreshed. He was ready to sing, to explore nature and to weave a lanyard.

“How do you feel?” his concerned mother asked as the bus arrived. Renewed, he answered, “I’m ready to kick butt.”